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David Hines [userpic]

TNT

February 10th, 2009 (05:19 pm)
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The new-to-me blog "Johnny LaRue's Crane Shot" occasionally reviews "men's adventure" novels, and while scanning the reviews there I was hipped to the TNT series by "Doug Masters". Which is INSANE. These books make Ringo's Paladin of Shadows series look tame, sweet and gentle. Even just reading the summaries, I kept dropping my jaw and stammering, "Wait, WHAT?!" at the end of every other line.

Here is the series premise:

TNT is Tony Nelson Twin (is Masters a Larry Hagman fan?), a journalist who is caught in a nuclear bomb blast and receives superpowers as a result (or is he a Stan Lee fan?). Despite incredible physical and psychological injuries that should have killed him, Twin recuperates with extremely heightened senses--he can see in the dark, for instance, and hear sounds from far away. He also is able to maintain an almost-permanent erection.


That last is a plot point. In the first book,

Twin's job is to infiltrate the underground hideout of a scientist named Michelangelo Piran who can create petroleum from water and kill him. Unfortunately, Piran is guarded by the world's most elaborate deathtrap--seven full stages far beyond anyone's most perverse nightmares. Not only is Twin forced to traverse--completely nude--across a scorpion pit, a greenhouse filled with poisonous plants, an acid bath, a red-hot burning tunnel, a ladder made of razor blades, a bath of warm rotting flesh, and a pitch-black room filled with ninjas (!), but he is ultimately forced into the most bizarre game of checkers ever created.

Six games on an giant board filled with colored lights. On the other side are forty nude women, all either violently psychotic or mentally retarded, each in a separate cage. Whenever Twin loses a game or is forced to crown Piran (who is playing electronically from a hidden location), one cage opens, and Twin has only a few minutes to bring her to orgasm or else he dies. Twin loses every game against the genius Piran, but since he manages to successfully screw all of the women into normalcy, he is allowed to live and face his opponent.


Yeah, I know, you just had to reboot your brain. They only get crazier. Here's just PART of the summary for TNT: KILLER ANGEL:

Tony Nicholas Twin is vacationing in Greece, where he receives a message that October, his retarded 16-year-old daughter, is ill at the Twins' Ireland home. His charter plane is diverted to Albania, where he is arrested for spying (it's a long story) and ends up a prisoner of Giallica Kadar, the young wife of the impotent president of Albania who entertains her husband by having sex with men who resemble Joseph Stalin while he watches from behind one-way glass. Giallica is organizing her insidious version of the Olympics, which she calls the Hercules Games. To train her athletes, she has enlisted Wolfgang Amadeus, a madman who floats above the ground on his metal legs which contain a radio, tape recorder and even a laser that fires from his left kneecap.


I just. That is DC Silver Age levels of WTF there. With porn.

Comments

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Posted by: Sienamystic (sienamystic)
Posted at: February 10th, 2009 10:32 pm (UTC)
OMG octopus attack

This is all obviously an elaborate attempt on your part to BREAK MY BRAIN. I refuse to believe one word of it.

No, seriously. These aren't actually real books, right? Haha, what a kidder you are!

Posted by: David Hines (hradzka)
Posted at: February 10th, 2009 11:28 pm (UTC)
wtf

Ha ha! Ha ha ha! HahahahahahaOHGODSOMEONESAVEME

Posted by: 3fgburner (3fgburner)
Posted at: February 10th, 2009 10:36 pm (UTC)

OH DOUG MASTERS NO

Posted by: David Hines (hradzka)
Posted at: February 10th, 2009 11:32 pm (UTC)
wtf

I never even got that far. I was still mired in, "What? -- wait, what?!"

Posted by: Andrew (bibliorex)
Posted at: February 10th, 2009 10:59 pm (UTC)

I've read all the TNT novels -- there are seven -- and they are *awesome*. Unlike a lot of men's adventure authors who almost seemed a little embarrassed by what they were writing, "Doug Masters" pulled out all the stops and made each book as wild and over-the-top as possible. My understanding is that these were actually originally written in French and then translated, but no one seems to know who the original author was. The Doug Masters pseudonym wasn't used for any other books.

I heartily endorse these, and best of all, they seem to be pretty readily available in used book stores.

Posted by: cobweb_diamond (cobweb_diamond)
Posted at: February 10th, 2009 11:14 pm (UTC)

the fact that they are readily available in used bookstores indicates that A LOT of people bought them the first time around.
oh my god.

Posted by: David Hines (hradzka)
Posted at: February 10th, 2009 11:29 pm (UTC)

Posted by: Andrew (bibliorex)
Posted at: February 10th, 2009 11:41 pm (UTC)

Posted by: The Cake Maker of Kiev (could kick your ass) (ladyvyola)
Posted at: February 11th, 2009 01:46 pm (UTC)

Posted by: PROBE UNIVERSE (liviapenn)
Posted at: February 10th, 2009 11:25 pm (UTC)
atlantis: snake laying a man-trap


He also is able to maintain an almost-permanent erection.

Wouldn't that make it hard to... Forget it, I can't ask this question without a double entendre! But really--!

Posted by: David Hines (hradzka)
Posted at: February 10th, 2009 11:30 pm (UTC)

It probably leads to indelicate moments. He must have to be very careful when he buys clothes.

And I imagine jogging shorts are RIGHT OUT.

Posted by: Elleria (elleria)
Posted at: February 12th, 2009 06:53 am (UTC)

Posted by: Elleria (elleria)
Posted at: February 12th, 2009 06:54 am (UTC)

Posted by: "I don't care how delicious he is, he's EVIL!" (shrift)
Posted at: February 11th, 2009 02:09 am (UTC)
life - dani reese

I'm torn between needing to read these books right now and wanting someone to erase the last few minutes of my life so that I no longer know that they exist.

Posted by: Thea (thucyken)
Posted at: February 11th, 2009 02:14 am (UTC)

...Okay, I friended you quietly for the poetry but now I'm staying for the sheer "WTF?" you bring.

Posted by: A large duck (burger_eater)
Posted at: February 11th, 2009 02:26 am (UTC)

... but since he manages to successfully screw all of the women into normalcy...

AAAAAHHHHH!

Holy Crap. I need a bath of warm rotting flesh FOR MY BRAIN!

Posted by: David Hines (hradzka)
Posted at: February 11th, 2009 01:59 pm (UTC)

Oh, come on. LIKE YOU HAVEN'T DONE THAT FOR FORTY NAKED AND MENTALLY DEFICIENT WOMEN.

(Yeah, you told me about that weekend at spring break.)

Posted by: A large duck (burger_eater)
Posted at: February 11th, 2009 04:18 pm (UTC)

Posted by: __marcelo (__marcelo)
Posted at: February 11th, 2009 03:01 am (UTC)

since he manages to successfully screw all of the women into normalcy

I just... I have nothing.

Posted by: trinfaneb (trinfaneb)
Posted at: February 11th, 2009 03:41 am (UTC)

It could only be more brain breaking if he had to move the checker pieces with his penis :)

Posted by: David Hines (hradzka)
Posted at: February 11th, 2009 01:57 pm (UTC)
oh john ringo no

He might. YOU NEVER KNOW.

Posted by: Betty (brown_betty)
Posted at: February 11th, 2009 03:43 am (UTC)

What.

WHAT.

Actually, you know, the poontang checks sort of makes sense, in a “I am a psychotic rapist” sort of way; you imagine he has a use for the women other than keeping them in cages in case someone should break in so that he can challenge them to a game of checkers.

But why the hell do you keep a vat of warm rotten flesh around?

Posted by: David Hines (hradzka)
Posted at: February 11th, 2009 12:55 pm (UTC)
wtf

But why the hell do you keep a vat of warm rotten flesh around?

...warm rotten flesh wrestling night?

Hey, you've got forty violently psychotic or mentally retarded naked women, you gotta keep 'em occupied *somehow.*

Posted by: Betty (brown_betty)
Posted at: February 11th, 2009 03:08 pm (UTC)

Posted by: Not your everyday Viking angel (shadowvalkyrie)
Posted at: February 11th, 2009 07:58 am (UTC)
excused from saving universes

"X-D You always find the best crack, it must be some sort of radar!

I have to admit, though, that while this introduces new levels of WTF? and brain pain to the world, I personally find John Ringo's underage prostitutes and skeevy politics far more disturbing. TNT seems unrealistic enough to be just plain fun. (I can't quite stop thinking about the guy running naked and erect through a scorpion pit and that alone makes me want to read the book.)

Posted by: boogieshoes (boogieshoes)
Posted at: February 11th, 2009 01:33 pm (UTC)

i... oh... *wow*. *sound of brain breaking*

...

*whimpers*

-bs

Posted by: HJ (hjcallipygian)
Posted at: February 11th, 2009 03:52 pm (UTC)

So, in Ringo's books women are all underage prostitutes, but in this one they're all mentally-challenged until given the right amount of sex. Did I get this right?

Posted by: •• the years oƒ living ∂angerously happy •• (nightengale)
Posted at: February 12th, 2009 01:31 am (UTC)
!wtf.

Th-that was exactly what I was struggling with, here.

I just tried to get a grip on the big picture, here, and my attempts at summation just ended up as incoherent grasping at straws. Which I think is the level that I'm going to be sitting at for a while, until this...wears off, or something....

Twin has only a few minutes to bring her to orgasm or else he dies.

In *every* real-world scenario involving forty women - ANY forty women - that I can think of, Twin would be DEAD before he hit 20 women.

Posted by: HJ (hjcallipygian)
Posted at: February 12th, 2009 01:41 am (UTC)

Posted by: •• the years oƒ living ∂angerously happy •• (nightengale)
Posted at: February 12th, 2009 01:44 am (UTC)

Posted by: Barbies May Bite Me (obsession_inc)
Posted at: February 11th, 2009 06:57 pm (UTC)

You know, there are so many times that books written for women shame me. They're often incredibly dumb, poorly written, badly characterized, and treat both men and women like they're shallow and brainless. And those are the books written for us.

That said, I don't think I've ever seen something at this level of weirdassery written for women, so I feel pretty confident in asking WHAT IS WRONG WITH MEN, SERIOUSLY?

Posted by: David Hines (hradzka)
Posted at: February 12th, 2009 01:45 am (UTC)
sledge hammer!

We have absolutely no shame.

That's pretty much it, really.

Posted by: amonitrate (amonitrate)
Posted at: February 12th, 2009 02:00 am (UTC)
slayer

whoa.

35 Read Comments
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