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David Hines [userpic]

APED: "her circled orb"

March 4th, 2009 (08:17 pm)

Your eyes are like the moon, you know.
Did I tell you? Well, they are:
speckled black, on field of gray,
to draw men from afar.
It drives men mad, the moon, they say,
and I suppose it's true:
your eyes are like the moon, and men are driven mad by you.

Your hair is like the moon, you know.
Shining brightly, in my hands,
soft to touch, and pale as cream,
with fine and silken strands.
To touch the moon was once a dream,
but sometimes dreams come true.
Touch the moon. It reaches back. The moon will touch you, too.

Your heart is like the moon, you know.
Bleak, an airless desert, cold,
where nothing grows and nothing will,
a stony, barren soil.
A silence deep, a deeper chill,
a beauty cruel and black --
Men reach the moon. They go there once. Come home. And don't go back.

Comments

Posted by: mendori (mendori)
Posted at: March 5th, 2009 01:36 am (UTC)

Ow. ow. ow.

That one is worth trying to sell to Analog or SciFi/Fantasy.

Posted by: David Hines (hradzka)
Posted at: March 5th, 2009 01:43 am (UTC)

I'm a little ambivalent on this one: I like the third verse, and the contrast it makes with the first two, but I don't feel the first two verses are strong enough to hold their own.

Posted by: Maire (mkcs)
Posted at: March 5th, 2009 01:53 am (UTC)

They're not strong enough alone, but the third verse makes it all work.

Posted by: peppermenthe (peppermenthe)
Posted at: March 5th, 2009 01:48 am (UTC)

Very nice. The third stanza does make the poem. It changes the meaning nicely.

Posted by: David Hines (hradzka)
Posted at: March 7th, 2009 05:19 am (UTC)

Thanks. But I think I'd be happier with it if the first two verses were better -- as it is, the third sort of saves it from just being dull crud.

Posted by: Maire (mkcs)
Posted at: March 5th, 2009 01:51 am (UTC)

Been reading Ernest Dowson?

Posted by: David Hines (hradzka)
Posted at: March 7th, 2009 05:18 am (UTC)

Nope! Just putting my usual third-verse twist on things.

Posted by: peeps wanna see peeps boink (musesfool)
Posted at: March 5th, 2009 01:52 am (UTC)
shakespeare hates your emo poems

I like it.

Posted by: David Hines (hradzka)
Posted at: March 7th, 2009 05:20 am (UTC)

Thank you!

Posted by: __marcelo (__marcelo)
Posted at: March 5th, 2009 03:05 am (UTC)

I wasn't enjoying the poem very much, but of course the third verse made the whole thing rock *g*.

Posted by: David Hines (hradzka)
Posted at: March 7th, 2009 05:21 am (UTC)

I think that's my problem with it: it's all about the third verse. Gotta beef up those first two.

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