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David Hines [userpic]

KNIGHT MOVES (while the tide's rushin' in)

March 10th, 2009 (07:18 pm)
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via burger_eater, I give you a brilliant new romance novel: KNIGHT MOVES, by Jamaica Layne. Wow. I mean, WOW. I have Actual Romance Novelists on my flist, so I feel obliged to just tell you guys: now that Jamaica Layne has broken onto the scene to offer you competition... YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.

“Everything you see and feel is real, milady,” my knight says, caressing my bare back with his hands. “That, I promise you. If you desire proof, you only need consider the three very real climaxes you just had in your lady-softness.”

My eyes fly wide. “How did you know I came three times?”

He grins wider. “Your lady-softness told me herself when she was wrapped round my codpiece.”


AUGH. If you think this is some kind of insane parody, then the synopsis is not going to change your mind:

Louise Jackson -- a sexually frustrated, thirty-year-old toll collection supervisor for the New Jersey Turnpike -- is bored out of her gourd at Medieval Worlds: Dinner and Tournament when she heads for the ladies' room. She soon encounters a gorgeous mystery knight in a bathroom stall that is actually a portal to another time and place - a castle in twelfth-century Europe, which is the knight's home. Louise is ecstatic - she believes she has found the incredible knight-in-shining-armor of her wildest fantasies. But the mystery knight is actually Lord Verdigris, who has kidnapped her from the 21st century so she can become a sex slave in his Hall of Harlots, where she will grant sexual favors to Lord Verdigris and the knights of his garrison for all eternity!

Determined to make the best of a bad situation, Louise settles into her new role as Lady Louisa of the Crossroads - by far the most popular and desirable of all the courtesans in Lord Verdigris's Hall of Harlots. Will she find a path back to her own century before the ruthless Lord Verdigris finds out and imprisons her forever? And will she find true love along the way?


(Hey, look, KNIGHT MOVES has an AUDIOBOOK, too! ...c'mon, somebody get it. somebody. who isn't me.)

(This reminds me: I need to type up my impressions of TNT at some point. Because, AUGH.)

Comments

Posted by: amore_di_libri (amore_di_libri)
Posted at: March 10th, 2009 11:38 pm (UTC)

I think I'm going to have to insert the phrase "lady-softness", as an anthropomorphized being of course, into my daily vocabulary somehow.
"My lady-softness. She tells me that your codpiece is too close to her.Hie thee hence, sir-codpiece, and leave my lady-softness in peace."

Posted by: PROBE UNIVERSE (liviapenn)
Posted at: March 10th, 2009 11:48 pm (UTC)
dc: bart's bad plan


Psst: her name isn't Jessica, it's *Jamaica*. (Okay, it's probably *really* Jessica-- I base this suspicion on the extremely dodgy-sounding "yo mama" sequence late in the book-- but the name on the book is Jamaica.)

Posted by: David Hines (hradzka)
Posted at: March 10th, 2009 11:53 pm (UTC)

Thanks! Fixed.

I am tempted to get the audiobook for the "yo mama" sequence alone. I just. Yeah.

Posted by: doctor_alice (doctor_alice)
Posted at: March 10th, 2009 11:52 pm (UTC)

Memo to self: Do NOT read your book reviews when on the phone with patients as it is conducive to embarrassment. I clapped my hand over the mouthpiece just in time.

Posted by: David Hines (hradzka)
Posted at: March 10th, 2009 11:56 pm (UTC)

I am just relaying a couple of excerpts. I have not actually read this.

Or downloaded the audio book.

Yet.

Posted by: madripoor_rose (madripoor_rose)
Posted at: March 10th, 2009 11:54 pm (UTC)
Blue Beetle

....at least it's epublished so a tree didn't die for that dreck?

Posted by: amonitrate (amonitrate)
Posted at: March 11th, 2009 12:29 am (UTC)

He grins wider. “Your lady-softness told me herself when she was wrapped round my codpiece.”

dear god. I'm not sure I believe this is real:) "Lady-softness"? That's... a first.

Posted by: Betty (brown_betty)
Posted at: March 11th, 2009 12:59 am (UTC)

Oh man. Don't you hate it when you think you've found a sexy medieval boy-toy but he's actually a pimp from the future?

Posted by: David Hines (hradzka)
Posted at: March 11th, 2009 01:13 am (UTC)
catwoman and holly

Yeah, last week I --

Um. I mean. I have no idea what you are talking about.

Posted by: Piglet (porcinea)
Posted at: March 11th, 2009 01:37 am (UTC)

That's not a romance novel! That's Penthouse Letters.

Posted by: HJ (hjcallipygian)
Posted at: March 11th, 2009 02:28 am (UTC)

How do you find such awful work? I mean, it's like you're some sort of bad-fiction magnet. I know you've been a bit down lately, but if you keep hurting yourself like this, I'm going to stage an intervention. The first step is admitting you have a problem.

Posted by: David Hines (hradzka)
Posted at: March 11th, 2009 03:00 am (UTC)

*points* It was burger_eater! Not me! His fault, all of it!

Posted by: A large duck (burger_eater)
Posted at: March 11th, 2009 05:00 am (UTC)
Cooking with Pooh

Sure, but I only gave it a link and a couple of sentences! You have whole paragraphs here.

"Excuse me, can you direct me to the Hall of Harlots? I got a little turned around."

"Aye, milady. First, you go down the Corridor of Courtesans, take the second door on the right through the Vestibule of Vice, past the Ballroom of Bawds--but do not enter there, or you will pass through the Gallery of Gigolos--"

"Would that be wrong?"

"Well, wrong direction, milady. Turn right and go up the Stair of Strumpets, and there you are."

Posted by: Novelist, lawyer, adventurer... (webpetals)
Posted at: March 11th, 2009 03:40 am (UTC)

No, but see -- this is even better (quoted from the Dear Author site, because I can't help myself):

And the sight of the huge cock the knight is holding in his right hand as he shakes off the last few drops of pee is even more dazzling.

I don’t need to pee any more. Now I just need to get laid.

The knight gives me a knowing smile, and jiggles his giant cock in my direction. “You look like a fair maiden in need of a good visit from the codpiece,” he says.


Very sexy.

By the way, I have to ask, David -- did you ever live out in Seattle?

Posted by: David Hines (hradzka)
Posted at: March 11th, 2009 09:22 pm (UTC)

did you ever live out in Seattle?

SHE SAID SHE WASN'T PREGNANT! Er. Sorry, reflex. No, never lived there; visited once.

(You cannot fool me, Marjorie. Clearly, Jamaica Layne speaks directly to every woman's long-suppressed yearning to walk in on a knight shaking off his dong at the urinal. I EXPECT URINAL SCENES APLENTY IN YOUR NEXT BOOK OKAY.)

Edited at 2009-03-11 09:22 pm (UTC)

Posted by: Novelist, lawyer, adventurer... (webpetals)
Posted at: March 11th, 2009 09:40 pm (UTC)

I can hardly resist the temptation.

Posted by: Betty (brown_betty)
Posted at: March 11th, 2009 04:37 am (UTC)

Okay, the OTHER thing I have to snark on is "codpiece" for schlong.

I saw a book by Shayla Black in my library the other day while looking for horrible romances. I nearly shrieked.

Posted by: David Hines (hradzka)
Posted at: March 11th, 2009 09:25 pm (UTC)
bruce and diana

Short shameful confession: the "Smart Bitches, Trashy Books" review of Shayla Black's DECADENT so astounded me that I actually screwed up my courage and read -- okay, skimmed -- the thing.

...wow, there's a lot of ass-fucking in that book.

Posted by: doctor_alice (doctor_alice)
Posted at: March 11th, 2009 02:02 pm (UTC)

According to British cookbook writer Nigel Slater, when fish sticks first became commercially available in the UK they were marketed as "Crispy Cod Pieces."
...

I don't think that lasted too long.

Posted by: mendori (mendori)
Posted at: March 11th, 2009 03:00 pm (UTC)

Wow. That's nearly as bad as some of the things that go through the lj community weepingcock. Just... wow.

Also - having a codpiece in there ... NO NO NO.

Posted by: pyropyga (pyropyga)
Posted at: March 11th, 2009 05:11 pm (UTC)

Hey David, Jason R. here of the old watching B5 in the Shoreland days. This is hilarious. Even more hilarious because the woman behind that pseudonym used to be my boss. While I've been following her career with intermittent ironic interest, I'm very amused to see her come to your attention.

I didn't know about the audiobook. Now that's just scary.

Posted by: David Hines (hradzka)
Posted at: March 11th, 2009 09:26 pm (UTC)

Jason! Been a while, man. Good to see you.

YOUR BOSS. Wow. What was that working environment like?

I am guessing you had to be extra vigilant at the urinal.

Posted by: pyropyga (pyropyga)
Posted at: March 11th, 2009 09:37 pm (UTC)

Well, I have to say much as it would make a great anecdote, there were no signs of anything requiring urinal vigilancy. Merely that sense of someone somewhat unglued from realistic self-assessments. This was prominent enough to be a source of office humor, but other than that, nothing terribly remarkable.

Posted by: Caius (caiusmajor)
Posted at: March 11th, 2009 05:45 pm (UTC)
Just ask TB.

That's AMAZING. His codpiece! Like a condom, only....both less comfortable AND less effective!

Posted by: leftarrow (leftarrow)
Posted at: March 12th, 2009 06:28 am (UTC)
Dick

Jamaica Layne: making tipsy comics chatporn look more like serious literature with each and every word . . .

Posted by: Elleria (elleria)
Posted at: March 21st, 2009 02:20 am (UTC)

Wow...yeah, I've read some bad stories but this....yeah. I have no words really. It does make me curious though, is it all that bad? Must resist temptation to go see...

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