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David Hines [userpic]

selection from "The Iron Mermaid"

August 31st, 2009 (05:18 pm)
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Blame [info - personal] dafnap, [info] sotto_voice, and [info - personal] prosodi for this one. Originally posted in comments under flock, now inflicted on you here. The Disney acquisition of Marvel taken to its logical extreme, with that heart-warming animated musical, THE IRON MERMAID.

TONY STARK:
Hey, buy my missile
it's really neat
it blows up stuff like you wouldn't believe
here, General, have a scotch -- I'll drink while I'm strolling.
Free booze thrown in
with every sale
no wonder my lawyers always turn pale.
Call Obie at home, deal's done, now I'm rolling...
I took over dad's business at twenty,
I'll sell you the guns for your wars.
Have I had Maxim girls? Oh, yeah. PLENTY.
Did I call them again? No, what for?
I get to sleep with the hottest girls,
though I'm not one of those beta fellows
who call a girl or take her out -- what's the word? Right. "Twice."
I drink like a fish, and abuse my friends,
I've got an airplane with stripperdesses,
I guess you could say that I'm not --
oh, whaddya call it? Right. "Nice."
What's that ahead, a bump in the road?
holy shit, I just heard something explode!
oh goodness me
I think I see
a hole in my chest...

I'm not that brave when I'm in a cave, being waterboarded,
I'm not unique: in a week, I could be dead --
so Yinsen says, and so I guess I'll have to build an arc reactor,
working harder, make powered armor, punch in some heads --

Now Yinsen is dead, and the bad guys too,
I'm going home, gonna eat cheeseburgers,
and maybe I'll even -- what's the word? "Change!"
Maybe it's strange,
But maybe somehow,
I'll be a hero, starting right now --
I'll stay up at night
and work by the light
that glows in my chest.



Enter OBADIAH STANE, who throws an arm over Tony's shoulder.

OBADIAH:
Tony, listen to me. We're ironmongers. The merchant of death business is better than anything you'll find out there!

The money is always greener,
when you're arming both the sides
You dream about living cleaner,
but dirty is how we thrive.
Our business could really take off --
you're playing too close to your vest.
Just think how much we could make off
the gold mine that's in your chest!

Listen to me, listen to me:
you're back from Bagram
get with the program
financially!
Put the arc reactor in play!
We'll make bank and sock it away --

TONY:
I don't know why I
would, Obadiah!
This one's for me!

OBADIAH:
I sure hate to hear you say that,
now I've got to take control.
You think I'm too soft to play that,
you think that I'm much too old,
you think you're my supervisor,
you think you're in charge 'round here,
but I've got this paralyzer
and it's going in your ear.

TONY:
Oh sh-- (falls over)

OBADIAH:
Tony, just breathe, Tony, just breathe,
I'll rip your heart out to get this part out
it's what I need.
I stood by you all these years,
you just turned out worse than I feared
Sure, it won't thrill you, but I've got to kill you
it has to be.

Now look at me (everyone flee)
now look at me (everyone flee)
Obie no longer, I'm Iron Monger,
with you gone I'm free.
The supervillain's arrived
though Pepper stole the ghost drive
While Tones has his breakdown
Shield tries a takedown, they can't stop me!

TONY:
He ripped out my heart,
he walked out the door,
and now I flop sweat
and crawl on the floor.
But I came prepared
'cause I got a spare
and now this shit is on! (OBADIAH: Crap!)

CHRISTINE:
He got crushed with a bus
hit hard by a car
that big fight last night
we think he'll go far:
there wasn't much class,
but he sure kicked ass
So who is Iron Man?

COULSON:
His bodyguard!

TONY:
My bodyguard?

COULSON:
Just do this for me, stick to the story --

TONY:
Nah, that's too hard!
Your dumb statement just got canned!
Hey, press -- I'm Iron Man!
Screw my detractors,
kiss my arc reactor,
I'm Iron Man!
Hey there, Nick Fury,
why do you worry?
I'm Iron Man!
No need to worry I'll get a swelled head,
got one already -- girls, here comes shellhead!
My film made a big splash
my sequel's got Whiplash
I'm Iron Man!

Comments

Posted by: SithRose (sithrose)
Posted at: August 31st, 2009 09:25 pm (UTC)

You've heard "Slaughter The World", haven't you?

Posted by: David Hines (hradzka)
Posted at: August 31st, 2009 09:37 pm (UTC)

And a heart-warming song it is, too.

Posted by: madripoor_rose (madripoor_rose)
Posted at: August 31st, 2009 09:51 pm (UTC)

LOLApplauds!

Posted by: no (destro)
Posted at: August 31st, 2009 09:52 pm (UTC)
Face Supreme

On a list of things I'll never be able to unsee, courtesy of you and Jam: a wee red crab with Jeff Bridges' face

YOU ARE ALL SO LUCKY I CANNOT GET PHOTOSHOP TO OPEN TODAY. YOU DON'T KNOW HOW LUCKY YOU ARE.

Posted by: mendori (mendori)
Posted at: August 31st, 2009 11:58 pm (UTC)

I just snorted while laughing.

Posted by: David Hines (hradzka)
Posted at: September 1st, 2009 02:54 am (UTC)
wtf

It could not possibly be any more disturbing than this.

Posted by: amonitrate (amonitrate)
Posted at: August 31st, 2009 11:11 pm (UTC)

oh dear god.

Posted by: David Hines (hradzka)
Posted at: September 2nd, 2009 06:32 am (UTC)

I KNOW.

Posted by: mendori (mendori)
Posted at: August 31st, 2009 11:59 pm (UTC)

Strangely, this is NOT the most mind numbingly unusual thing you've ever exposed me to.

Posted by: Sara LaKali (sara_lakali)
Posted at: September 1st, 2009 12:42 am (UTC)

It's very wrong of me, I know, but I like it.

It's exactly what I needed after breaking up a political argument (as in yelling at each other in my front yard) between my husband and my father.

Posted by: Elspeth (elspethdixon)
Posted at: September 1st, 2009 07:02 am (UTC)
GoneWithTheWind

The most horrifying part of this is that as I finished it, I realized Obadiah was Sebastian. ("C'mon, Tony, we're ironmongers! The merchant of death business is better than anything you'll find out there!")

That's so beautifully wrong that I think it merits my WTF comics icon. (also, glorious filk)

(Deleted comment)
Posted by: David Hines (hradzka)
Posted at: September 2nd, 2009 06:34 am (UTC)

You deserve it! I would not have done this otherwise.

I thank you muchly.

Posted by: the high four-and-a-half (nextian)
Posted at: September 2nd, 2009 05:21 am (UTC)

Oh my GOD I blame you all so much if my suitemate has me taken away.

Posted by: David Hines (hradzka)
Posted at: September 2nd, 2009 06:36 am (UTC)

I am so, so happy right now.

(Nice voice!)

Posted by: killer of men... killer of HENCHmen! (catechism)
Posted at: September 4th, 2009 08:17 am (UTC)
im - tony

THIS IS THE BEST THING IN THE WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD.

Posted by: prosodi (prosodi)
Posted at: September 5th, 2009 11:19 pm (UTC)
IRON MAN tony whiteb/g

Oh god, this is the most amazing thing I've ever-- there aren't even words.

17 Read Comments