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David Hines [userpic]

oh, hell with it, sex pollen

May 26th, 2004 (11:17 pm)
Tags: ,

I want to make it clear that it is entirely basingstoke's fault that I am going to hell.

"Wally West vs. the Chicken Salad of Doom"
by David Hines


The best thing about being the fastest man alive was that you could jerk off whenever you wanted, wherever you wanted, and do it fast enough that no one would notice.

Usually, this wasn't the best thing about being the fastest man alive. It was a pretty dang good thing, because Wally was a healthy guy and everything he'd read said he was supposed to be right around his sexual peak, but he couldn't remember this particular aspect of his power ever being as pretty dang good as it was right now.

"Flash," said Wonder Woman, "are you even listening?"

"Huh?" Wally said.

Wonder Woman glared at him. She leaned toward him over the table and Wally's line of sight went right down her cleavage and --

-- he made it back to the table a thousandth of a second after he'd left, wiped and polished it, whisked the cleaning supplies back to the closet, put the paper towels into the atomizer, and assumed the position he'd just held, or close enough to it that she wouldn't notice --

"Someone has been raiding the Watchtower refrigerator," Wonder Woman said. "Once, or twice -- I'd call it a mistake. Let it go. But it's becoming entirely too commonplace."

"Huh," said Wally.

"Are we sure this meeting is even necessary?" said Superman. "Watchtower security has been breached before."

"Not at this level," said Green Lantern. "I've run multiple scans and haven't found a single trace. No forced entry, no teleportation, no dimensional breach."

"Which means," said J'onn, "the culprit is one of us."

Wally blinked at the Martian, and tried to look innocent.

Wow. J'onn had muscles.

He'd never thought about it, but J'onn went around shirtless all the time.

Actually, now that he really thought about it, J'onn's costume was a product of shapeshifting, which meant J'onn walked around stark naked --

He caught the alien's look, and shifted into high gear to make his thoughts too fast to follow.

His actions, too.

The friction was beginning to burn out the hinges on the janitorial closet. He'd have to oil them. Unless the heat had welded them shut by now.

The meeting had been going on for two minutes. He'd already jerked off five times.

And that wasn't counting the two hundred and forty-seven times in his quarters earlier.

Sometimes, a rapid metabolism wasn't such a good thing.

"So," said Wonder Woman. "Whoever is doing this -- stop now. And even if you don't, leave my food alone."

Wally tried to look innocent as the others left the room. Hawk Girl was last. Her wings swept behind her, and Wally's skin tingled at the sight. He wondered what it would be like to strip off his uniform and wrap himself around her, burying himself in warm feathers and soft flesh --

-- *dammit.* Six.

Or, depending on how you looked at it, two hundred and fifty-three.

"Flash," said a voice.

Wally jumped. Had Batman been there the whole time? He felt a little twitch at the thought, and desperately fought the temptation to race back to his quarters and make it two hundred fifty-four. "Geez! Bats, don't -- "

"I trust you're feeling the effects," Batman said.

"Er," said Wally, "I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about?"

Batman smirked.

Wally stared. He'd never realized it, which was odd considering it was the only part of Batman's body that actually showed, but Batman really had a nice mouth --

Wally gritted his teeth and curled his hand into a fist. He crossed his legs as tightly as he could. "How'd you know?" he said.

"If any of the others had been dosed, the results would have been obvious. When my leftover chicken salad disappeared and I didn't notice anyone acting strangely, the only conclusion was that the guilty party was taking care of business too fast for anyone to notice."

"Dosed?"

Batman smirked again. "One of Poison Ivy's concoctions."

"Poison Ivy?" Wally had a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. "You booby-trapped the refrigerator with *sex pollen?*"

"It was handy."

"Ohhh," said Wally. He clenched his hands against his stomach and rocked back and forth, trying hard not to think about how uncomfortable his uniform felt and how strangely attractive Batman was, especially when his cape fell open and Wally could actually see those broad shoulders -- "Gyyearrrgg," he said.

"Usually," said Batman, "it only has to sprayed on the skin to be effective. Imbibing it through the mucus membranes only enhances the effect."

"I hate you," said Wally.

"Right now?" said Batman. "I doubt that."

"It's not my fault!" said Wally. "High metabolism! I have to eat!"

"So bring your own," said Batman. "I don't think you'll have a problem remembering that in the future." He looked down at Wally with satisfaction and absolutely no pity. "Will you?"

"You used me as a guinea pig," said Wally. "A sex pollen guinea pig!"

"Don't be ridiculous," said Batman. "I know precisely how much is safe. And how much is... uncomfortable."

"You've done this before?" said Wally incredulously. "What, you had problems with somebody raiding your refrigerator?"

"How do you think I broke Robin of that particular habit?"

Wally's jaw dropped. Ack. Wrong. Wrong, wrong, *wrong.*

Batman smiled grimly.

Wally had had enough.

He jumped out of the chair and tore out of the room fast enough to make Batman's cape flap, and made it back to his room where he tore off his uniform and sought relief in his right hand and the depths of his most lurid fantasies. He thought about actresses and models and singers and porn stars, and he thought about Wonder Woman and Hawkgirl, with him and with each other, and he thought about every girl he'd ever dated and the ones he hadn't, and he thought about dosing Batman with sex pollen and locking him in a room where the only inspirational material was photographs of Zsa Zsa Gabor, but somehow the revenge part of that fantasy never seemed to materialize and he wound up having very different thoughts entirely and he'd have to get Batman back for that, too --

Wally was never entirely sure when it ended. His vision was blurred and he couldn't see the clock. His mouth was dry and he wanted water, but he didn't trust his legs enough to get up. He was limp and sweating and he'd lost count a long, long time ago, but his hand had a cramp and that couldn't be good.

He blinked at his arm and realized that, somewhere along the line, he'd given himself a hickey.

"All right," said Wally. "This means war."

Comments

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Posted by: Vvalkyri (vvalkyri)
Posted at: May 26th, 2004 09:27 pm (UTC)

Oh. My. God.
That was funny.

May I link to this? I'm terribly amused. I'm still waiting on wolfdancer's GWB/Laura/Condi slash but I figure this is far funnier.

Posted by: David Hines (hradzka)
Posted at: May 27th, 2004 06:28 pm (UTC)
cass groovy

Link if you like! (Though it is a little odd to find my various worlds colliding...)

Posted by: Caius (caiusmajor)
Posted at: May 26th, 2004 09:53 pm (UTC)
Hal

This is *so, so* funny! And very appropriate for JL Flash and Batman.

Posted by: David Hines (hradzka)
Posted at: May 27th, 2004 06:29 pm (UTC)
archie skull

Thanks! (Though "appropriate" is, I think, about the last word I'd use...)

Posted by: superheroes failing at oatmeal (some_stars)
Posted at: May 26th, 2004 09:58 pm (UTC)
bruce gets two thumbs up! (by te)

OMG SHEER FUCKING JENIUS

so much genius, you need a J to hold it all!

and I REALLY want to see Wally's revenge. *mad giggling*

Posted by: David Hines (hradzka)
Posted at: May 27th, 2004 06:31 pm (UTC)
bruce and diana

So does Wally. (And thanks.)

Posted by: Dammit, Clark's penis is going in *something*. (thete1)
Posted at: May 26th, 2004 09:58 pm (UTC)
JL: Gazing nobly. (buggery)

*chokes*

*dies*

*gives you FLOWERS*


"How do you think I broke Robin of that particular habit?"

Wally's jaw dropped. Ack. Wrong. Wrong, wrong, *wrong.*

Batman smiled grimly.


I had to cover my mouth to hold in the shrieks. BAD David. Do that *again*. :D

Posted by: David Hines (hradzka)
Posted at: May 27th, 2004 06:33 pm (UTC)
koryhug

*puts flowers in water*

Posted by: I have tactile telecuntnesis. (zeelee_penguin)
Posted at: May 26th, 2004 10:38 pm (UTC)
Bart-Hey! by kara

Oh my fuck. This was HILARIOUS! Eeeheehee, I love thinking about the JLA getting all snippy about their food.

And Batman. With sex pollen. *collapses into giggles*

Posted by: David Hines (hradzka)
Posted at: May 27th, 2004 06:34 pm (UTC)
wonder woman

Do not *touch* Wonder Woman's food.

And thanks.

Posted by: karey (mayatisiw)
Posted at: May 26th, 2004 10:57 pm (UTC)
bwahahaha
Fucking Amal - laugh

"This means war."


this means sequel? ;)

Posted by: David Hines (hradzka)
Posted at: May 27th, 2004 06:36 pm (UTC)
Re: bwahahaha
wonder woman

this means sequel?

If I can figure out how to make it funny enough, maybe.

(Deleted comment)
Posted by: David Hines (hradzka)
Posted at: May 27th, 2004 06:39 pm (UTC)
cat and bat

I think placebo pollen would be much more effective on Batman...

Posted by: westmin (westmin)
Posted at: May 27th, 2004 12:12 am (UTC)

he'd given himself a hickey

wow... entirely in-character to boot..
<333

Posted by: David Hines (hradzka)
Posted at: May 27th, 2004 06:42 pm (UTC)

To whatever extent sex-pollen=in-character, I guess. *grin*

Posted by: You don't know me from Adam (sparklebutch)
Posted at: May 27th, 2004 01:07 am (UTC)

War! Get your revenge, Wally! Yeah!

*Gives cookies to wonderful, nice author who gave such nice, funny Wallysmut of pollen. The cookies actually have nothing evil in them, unlike whatever Batman eats next.*

Posted by: David Hines (hradzka)
Posted at: May 27th, 2004 06:44 pm (UTC)

Mmm. Cookies.

Posted by: Basingstoke (basingstoke)
Posted at: May 27th, 2004 01:51 am (UTC)
wally says YAY! (by te)

AHAHAAHAHHAAHAHAA

Okay, I will HAPPILY take the blame for this. :D

Posted by: David Hines (hradzka)
Posted at: May 27th, 2004 06:50 pm (UTC)
koryhug

GOOD.

Posted by: Rat Creature (ratcreature)
Posted at: May 27th, 2004 02:10 am (UTC)
rotfl

"You booby-trapped the refrigerator with *sex pollen?*"

*ROTFL*

This has been one the funniest sex pollen stories I've read.

Posted by: David Hines (hradzka)
Posted at: May 27th, 2004 06:52 pm (UTC)
pointy teeth

Thanks!

Posted by: Mara (marag)
Posted at: May 27th, 2004 03:04 am (UTC)
Tim by Te

::falls off chair, gasping for breath:: Oh thank you thank you. I need the laugh badly. This was just perfect! God, I love Bats. And Wally. And everyone else.

Posted by: David Hines (hradzka)
Posted at: May 27th, 2004 06:54 pm (UTC)

Glad to be of help.

Posted by: Gunbunny (burntcopper)
Posted at: May 27th, 2004 03:59 am (UTC)

Te is right. You are eeeevil. And my god, Tim, who did you jump... :ponders: of course, Dick would be pleased to help out.

Posted by: David Hines (hradzka)
Posted at: May 27th, 2004 06:57 pm (UTC)

Oh, come on. My evil merits at *best* two e's. *grin*

Posted by: Maggie (maggie77)
Posted at: May 27th, 2004 04:13 pm (UTC)
Nightwing standing mine

That was *great*! So funny - especially this:

"I hate you," said Wally.

"Right now?" said Batman. "I doubt that."


and the comment about breaking Robin of the habit... ::grin::

I found you through Te's rec journal. I would like to friend you. You don't have to friend back - I don't update all that often. I would like to read not only more of your stories, but your observations about comics.

Thanks!

Posted by: David Hines (hradzka)
Posted at: May 27th, 2004 07:01 pm (UTC)
pointy teeth

No need to ask to friend me. Glad you liked the story!

Posted by: Astrea (astrea9562)
Posted at: May 27th, 2004 04:44 pm (UTC)
LOLOL
Bats/Flash OTP A Better World by me

Man, I love this! Te linked you for the cliche stories and this one was priceless! I would so love to see Wally get revenge, hand in hand *snerk* so to speak, with Robin.

I friended you based on this hysterical piece. Hope that is ok with you. Thanks so much for posting this.

Posted by: David Hines (hradzka)
Posted at: May 27th, 2004 07:07 pm (UTC)

Thanks!

44 Read Comments
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