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David Hines [userpic]

5 things: Alfred's secret delights, my BUFFY changes, Holmes's mistakes

April 18th, 2007 (08:17 am)
Tags: , , , ,

beatrice_otter asked for "Five Things Alfred Would Never Admit He Enjoys:"

1. "Brucie, I -- oh. Um, where's Bruce?"

"Terribly sorry, miss, but Mr. Wayne regrettably has been called away. I believe he was muttering something about an emergency paternity test, and the difficulty of obtaining one in Micronesia..."

2. "Good morning, sir. I have brought your breakfast. The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and you are tasked with running a multinational corporation on only two and a half hours' sleep. I don't mean to cast aspersions on your job performance, but I have instructed my broker to sell Wayne Enterprises short."

3. "No, Master Dick, I'm quite certain she *does* care, and -- oh, excuse me, sir. I believe that you instructed me to warn you on those occasions of your becoming, as you say, 'emo.'"

4. "Oh, dear. Sir, we appear to have had a breach of cave security. No, it's quite all right; I'll get the shotgun."

5. "Alfred, I can't appear as Bruce Wayne and Batman simultaneously. You'll have to wear the costume."

"Oh, very well, sir. If you insist. I shall endeavour to be suitably grim and threatening. Perhaps I should throw a batarang at someone. To set the tone, as it were."

"Make sure you hit someone who deserves it."

"I already have a suitable target in mind, sir."

(I thought very seriously about doing "5 times Talia Winters's new personality missed Babylon 5," but all I could come up with was: "It's boring being a brain in a jar.")

thepeopleseason asked for "Five Ways I Would Have Changed BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER:"

Well, this isn't fic exactly, but...

1. Less romance. The romance overwhelmed the show until it drowned in a sea of soapy goo. Also, more stand-alones, less arc stuff.

2. Spike never joins the Scoobies. Instead, he takes up a Godfather-esque role, like the Master in Season One: he can’t oppose Buffy directly, so has minions do it. This prevents us from asking why the hell Buffy didn't stake him. (At some point, of course, she does, but it's a hell of a struggle.)

3. Willow actually remembers that she is Jewish, and experiences a spiritual crisis about her constant wielding of crosses against the undead. Later, she seeks to unite witchcraft and her faith, which leads her down a treacherous road when she attempts to gain magickal powers from the fallen angels Azael and Shamchazi.

4. Do better by Nick Brendon. My god, that man *hung in there.*

5. Angel stays in hell.

red_eft asked for "Five Times Holmes Was Wrong (Apart From the Norbury Case):"

1. Holmes thought he wouldn't be welcome at Watson's and Mary's house after the wedding, so he never came around. He felt he was serving Watson's interests by his absence, and was rather proud of that. The concept of developing a friendship with Mary never occurred to Holmes; Watson had chosen marriage over their partnership, and that was that. It would be futile for Holmes to attempt to intervene.

2. Holmes's dark mutterings to the contrary, very few of the detectives at Scotland Yard had actually secured their positions solely as a result of family connections and bribery.

3. Despite Holmes's bold prediction in "The Adventure of the Noble Bachelor," neither he nor Mr. Moulton's children would be "citizens of the same world-wide country under a flag which shall be a quartering of the Union Jack with the Stars and Stripes."

4. Holmes let James Ryder go, rather than bring him in for stealing the Blue Carbuncle, in the hope that he'd turn over a new leaf. And after all, it was Christmas. Years later, Ryder wound up in the dock, and then hanged, after he'd drunkenly bludgeoned his wife. Holmes was keeping bees by then, but he still read the news, and felt a twinge of regret.

5. Immediately after the resolution of the Norbury case, Holmes told Watson that he, Holmes, would be eternally obliged if Watson were to whisper "Norbury" to Holmes when Watson suspected Holmes of overreaching. In actual practice, Holmes found it highly annoying.

Comments

Posted by: __marcelo (__marcelo)
Posted at: April 18th, 2007 05:29 am (UTC)

All the Alfred ones are awesome beyond my pale powers of feedbacking. I could hear B:TAS's Alfred voice saying his lines.

5. Immediately after the resolution of the Norbury case, Holmes told Watson that he, Holmes, would be eternally obliged if Watson were to whisper "Norbury" to Holmes when Watson suspected Holmes of overreaching. In actual practice, Holmes found it highly annoying.

I'm reading Shadows over Baker Street right now, and thus I enjoyed these even more than I'd normally have. Which is still a lot. The first four read as indisputable canon, and the fifth one is even better. *g*

Posted by: David Hines (hradzka)
Posted at: April 20th, 2007 04:16 pm (UTC)
pointy teeth

The "Noble Bachelor" one actually *was* canon! *g* I will happily lay claim to the others, though.

I've often suspected Alfred to secretly enjoy many of the things he claims to reluctantly suffer. Once you accept that as a premise, the ideas come very easily.

Posted by: Grey Bard (grey_bard)
Posted at: April 18th, 2007 05:33 am (UTC)

Oh, Alfred. Oh, that's Alfred's dry wicked little sense of humor to a t! Lovely!

Posted by: David Hines (hradzka)
Posted at: April 20th, 2007 04:17 pm (UTC)
bruce and diana

Thanks very much!

(I suspect that the event described in #5 led to Bruce getting a Batarang upside the head. Probably the part Alfred enjoyed most.)

Posted by: beatrice_otter (beatrice_otter)
Posted at: April 18th, 2007 05:37 am (UTC)

"It's boring being a brain in a jar."

Oh. My. Nice. Thanks!

Posted by: David Hines (hradzka)
Posted at: April 20th, 2007 04:22 pm (UTC)

Welcome! I believe JMS had toyed with actually showing some such thing, but never got around to it. (He definitely wanted to do something like it with Ny'rath, the giant praying mantis-ish crimelord. Apparently the animatronic didn't work quite as well as he'd hoped, so Ny'rath was retired, but I heard JMS mention at a couple of cons that if he ever introduced a new character like that, he'd be sure the guy had Ny'rath's head on his desk. Ny'rath, fortunately, found new employment in an episode of BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER.)

Posted by: I have decided that was planned. (red_eft)
Posted at: April 18th, 2007 07:04 am (UTC)
lost without my Boswell

Oh, these are excellent.

5. Immediately after the resolution of the Norbury case, Holmes told Watson that he, Holmes, would be eternally obliged if Watson were to whisper "Norbury" to Holmes when Watson suspected Holmes of overreaching. In actual practice, Holmes found it highly annoying.

I giggled for two minutes straight after reading this. Because Watson would *absolutely* take him up on that, and the notion of Holmes getting increasingly twitchy every time he did pleases me greatly. (I love Holmes, really, but I have such a soft spot for Watson occasionally getting the better of him.)

4. Holmes let James Ryder go, rather than bring him in for stealing the Blue Carbuncle, in the hope that he'd turn over a new leaf. And after all, it was Christmas.

I remember reading a quote by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle- I can't find it now, but it was something along the lines that in Holmes, he had created a character driven entirely by his mind, without a heart, and I wonder at how little he seemed to know his own creation.

He felt he was serving Watson's interests by his absence, and was rather proud of that.

Oh, Holmes. This strikes me as precisely how he would reason it.

(And I love Alfred's snark- ever capable and unflappable.)

Posted by: David Hines (hradzka)
Posted at: April 20th, 2007 04:27 pm (UTC)
donuts?

I remember reading a quote by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle- I can't find it now, but it was something along the lines that in Holmes, he had created a character driven entirely by his mind, without a heart, and I wonder at how little he seemed to know his own creation.

Agreed. Holmes had a tremendous heart but was unfamiliar with its workings, and thus was unprepared when it crept up on him. Holmes's careful emotionlessness and devotion to reason strikes me, in part, as a coping mechanism: his emotions plague him so, in his depressed state, that he tries to reject them at all other times. It doesn't always work, especially when Watson is involved.

Posted by: Caius (caiusmajor)
Posted at: April 18th, 2007 01:20 pm (UTC)
Tim lamb

Your Alfred is *awesome*.

Posted by: David Hines (hradzka)
Posted at: April 20th, 2007 04:28 pm (UTC)

Thanks!

Posted by: Petra (petronelle)
Posted at: April 19th, 2007 10:16 am (UTC)

I laughed so hard I scared the cat at the first Alfred one.

Posted by: David Hines (hradzka)
Posted at: April 20th, 2007 04:31 pm (UTC)
pointy teeth

I suspect Alfred sincerely hated making excuses at first, but then his old theatrical leanings started getting the better of him and he started trying to make each new excuse more scandalous, salacious, and hideously embarrassing for Bruce than the one before. Once he'd made that leap, it started being seriously fun.

Posted by: Swamp Adder (swamp_adder)
Posted at: March 6th, 2009 04:31 am (UTC)

Love that Holmes one; I laughed out loud at No. 3. And 5 -- bwahahah!

Posted by: Third Mouse (thirdblindmouse)
Posted at: November 29th, 2009 09:13 pm (UTC)
alfred and bruce

I believe he was muttering something about an emergency paternity test, and the difficulty of obtaining one in Micronesia.

Hilarious. I will add this to my sea of evidence that Alfred is the best thing ever. I do think, though, that he would be gravely disappointed if Bruce couldn't run his multinational corporation on 2.5 hours of sleep. He would disguise his disappointment with sarcasm, of course, but Bruce would recognize it. And --having no other option-- Bruce would improve himself until he could.

In actual practice, Holmes found it highly annoying.

"Norbury."
"Norbury it is."
"Then make it so."

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