5 things: Alfred's secret delights, my BUFFY changes, Holmes's mistakes

beatrice_otter asked for "Five Things Alfred Would Never Admit He Enjoys:"

1. "Brucie, I -- oh. Um, where's Bruce?"

"Terribly sorry, miss, but Mr. Wayne regrettably has been called away. I believe he was muttering something about an emergency paternity test, and the difficulty of obtaining one in Micronesia..."

2. "Good morning, sir. I have brought your breakfast. The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and you are tasked with running a multinational corporation on only two and a half hours' sleep. I don't mean to cast aspersions on your job performance, but I have instructed my broker to sell Wayne Enterprises short."

3. "No, Master Dick, I'm quite certain she *does* care, and -- oh, excuse me, sir. I believe that you instructed me to warn you on those occasions of your becoming, as you say, 'emo.'"

4. "Oh, dear. Sir, we appear to have had a breach of cave security. No, it's quite all right; I'll get the shotgun."

5. "Alfred, I can't appear as Bruce Wayne and Batman simultaneously. You'll have to wear the costume."

"Oh, very well, sir. If you insist. I shall endeavour to be suitably grim and threatening. Perhaps I should throw a batarang at someone. To set the tone, as it were."

"Make sure you hit someone who deserves it."

"I already have a suitable target in mind, sir."

(I thought very seriously about doing "5 times Talia Winters's new personality missed Babylon 5," but all I could come up with was: "It's boring being a brain in a jar.")

thepeopleseason asked for "Five Ways I Would Have Changed BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER:"

Well, this isn't fic exactly, but...

1. Less romance. The romance overwhelmed the show until it drowned in a sea of soapy goo. Also, more stand-alones, less arc stuff.

2. Spike never joins the Scoobies. Instead, he takes up a Godfather-esque role, like the Master in Season One: he can’t oppose Buffy directly, so has minions do it. This prevents us from asking why the hell Buffy didn't stake him. (At some point, of course, she does, but it's a hell of a struggle.)

3. Willow actually remembers that she is Jewish, and experiences a spiritual crisis about her constant wielding of crosses against the undead. Later, she seeks to unite witchcraft and her faith, which leads her down a treacherous road when she attempts to gain magickal powers from the fallen angels Azael and Shamchazi.

4. Do better by Nick Brendon. My god, that man *hung in there.*

5. Angel stays in hell.

red_eft asked for "Five Times Holmes Was Wrong (Apart From the Norbury Case):"

1. Holmes thought he wouldn't be welcome at Watson's and Mary's house after the wedding, so he never came around. He felt he was serving Watson's interests by his absence, and was rather proud of that. The concept of developing a friendship with Mary never occurred to Holmes; Watson had chosen marriage over their partnership, and that was that. It would be futile for Holmes to attempt to intervene.

2. Holmes's dark mutterings to the contrary, very few of the detectives at Scotland Yard had actually secured their positions solely as a result of family connections and bribery.

3. Despite Holmes's bold prediction in "The Adventure of the Noble Bachelor," neither he nor Mr. Moulton's children would be "citizens of the same world-wide country under a flag which shall be a quartering of the Union Jack with the Stars and Stripes."

4. Holmes let James Ryder go, rather than bring him in for stealing the Blue Carbuncle, in the hope that he'd turn over a new leaf. And after all, it was Christmas. Years later, Ryder wound up in the dock, and then hanged, after he'd drunkenly bludgeoned his wife. Holmes was keeping bees by then, but he still read the news, and felt a twinge of regret.

5. Immediately after the resolution of the Norbury case, Holmes told Watson that he, Holmes, would be eternally obliged if Watson were to whisper "Norbury" to Holmes when Watson suspected Holmes of overreaching. In actual practice, Holmes found it highly annoying.