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David Hines [userpic]

remake suggestions

June 14th, 2008 (12:56 pm)

Slate's Dana Stevens posed an interesting question:

The Incredible Hulk's curious status as a franchise reboot raises an obvious question: What blockbuster made in the last five years would you remake now, how would you cast it, and why? I'll dig through the office storage room for an appropriately unoriginal prize and publish the results late next week. Responses must be fewer than 100 words (much fewer would be nice) and must arrive in my inbox, slatemovies@gmail.com, by Tuesday, June 17, at 10 p.m. ET.

Or, y'know, in comments below.

My quick picks: there are a lot of things that need little fixes.

-- I'd rewrite the end to the remake of 3:10 TO YUMA so that it actually makes sense. Russell Crowe gets on the train because he feels sorry for Christian Bale. I'm sorry, bullshit. He runs through the hail of gunfire with his own men shooting at him; again, bullshit. He needs a reason to get on the train that works. (My suggestion: trim a few dull bits, have his #2 take over the gang and purge those loyal to Crowe, and then go on to wipe Crowe out so he doesn't escape. Or have a rival gang try to kill Crowe's gang, if you want them to be on the same side. Make Crowe realize that catching that train is A REAL GOOD IDEA.)

-- recast CHARLOTTE'S WEB (2006) with Judi Dench as Charlotte, rather than the deeply annoying Julia Roberts.

-- BLOOD DIAMOND (2006). I should just write a review of this movie.

-- KING KONG (2005). Cut out about half of it. Eight wonder of the world fail.

-- A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS (2004). Jim Carrey is out.

-- THE CHRONICLES OF RIDDICK (2004). Lose the prophecy. Prophecies suck. Riddick only takes on the bad guys because they keep getting in his way.

-- THE LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMEN (2003). Make the comic. It was good. The movie sucked donkey balls.

My biggest candidate for a remake: it's not a blockbuster, but I walked out of the theater after watching David Mamet's REDBELT thinking that somebody needed to get hold of the script, *pronto,* and remake it as a straight B-movie with better fight choreography and a director who knows how to shoot action scenes.

(Mamet's own jiujitsu instructor, a skilled and admired professional, choreographed the fights and erred slightly on the side of realism; this might have worked better if the director had known how to shoot the scenes well, but Mamet didn't, so the experiment, although noble, was flawed. It was sort of the inverse of THE HUNTED, a lousy Friedkin-directed flick about Tommy Lee Jones tracking the insane Benicio Del Toro. The script stunk and Jones and del Toro gave uncharacteristically dull performances, but those fight scenes are absolutely *brilliant,* and the best job I've ever seen of portraying realistic concepts while exaggerating them for a visually exciting effect.)


Posted by: Domenika Marzione (miss_porcupine)
Posted at: June 14th, 2008 06:32 pm (UTC)

1) The X-Men flick(s). If the statute of limitations went back far enough, I'd re-cast Wolverine in favor of an actor who is truly ugly and yet gets laid all the time anyway -- say, Benicio del Toro. But since I think only the third one counts, I'll simply go with rewriting it so that it follows the Dark Phoenix storyline more closely/does the Legacy Virus properly/any of the other famous story arcs they were working on. In general, either make sense or please the fanboys and girls by sticking to canon; the last one failed at both.

2) Anne Proulx's original short story was a third-rate PWP, so just remake "Brokeback Mountain" as the sensitive gay porn movie all the fangirls wish it were. It'd still do well at the box office.

3) Wanted. Get Halle Berry to be Fox, since that's who the character looks like and she's shown her nips for less. From the trailer, it seems like they turned it into "The Matrix", which would be a shame. It's a second-rate miniseries, but Mark Millar was trying his best to be Garth Ennis, so we might as well humor him and let him be Ennis (since he's usually trying to be Warren Ellis and failing). The purpose of the comic was to revel in bad behavior, so if this movie tries to cram in some redeeming virtues or a quasi-noble quest... rewrite that, too.

4) Transformers: less kid, more Air Force pr0n.

Edited at 2008-06-14 06:33 pm (UTC)

Posted by: silk_noir (silk_noir)
Posted at: June 14th, 2008 07:31 pm (UTC)

Oh, God, Riddick was *such* a dissapointment. Get an R rating on that bitch immediately, as well.

Posted by: Jayman (smjayman)
Posted at: June 14th, 2008 07:54 pm (UTC)

They need to do a reboot of that PUNISHER flick.

I liked REDBELT. I agree with you, the fight scenes weren't really either a) realistic enough or b) movie quality, they sort of blurred in the middle.

And as far as the fighting in THE HUNTED, that was all Sayoc Kali, from what I understand.

Posted by: Basingstoke (basingstoke)
Posted at: June 14th, 2008 08:44 pm (UTC)


It makes me physically hurt because I know there will never be another movie of it, and the one we have is contaminated by Keanu fucking Reeves and characterization opposite of who the character acutally is! GAH.

I do agree about King Kong, though. Completely self-indulgent. Man needed a beta.

Posted by: PROBE UNIVERSE (liviapenn)
Posted at: June 16th, 2008 02:50 am (UTC)
dino sga: sure he does!

Really, the only thing you have to change about Constantine is the title. Call it "Dave, Demon Hunter" and it's not a bad little flick at all.

I personally would also remove Shia Lewhatever because he bugs me, but that's just a personal irk.

Posted by: Lucy (cereta)
Posted at: June 15th, 2008 12:21 am (UTC)

Okay, it wasn't a blockbuster, and it may have been six years ago, but Darkness Falls. Either tell a scary story about the tooth fairy or go all-out to make a John Saul small-town-sins-come-back-to-haunt-them movie that actually develops characters.

Freddy V. Jason. Instead of dumping the exposition in the first five minutes, start with the murders and let the audience find out what's going on as the characters do. It could have been epic, man.

Posted by: jesterusmc (jesterusmc)
Posted at: June 17th, 2008 03:23 am (UTC)

what do you have against the league. aside from a few corny moments, it remains one of the best movies i've seen in about four years

Posted by: David Hines (hradzka)
Posted at: June 17th, 2008 10:05 pm (UTC)

Too much eye candy, not enough story focus, and they turned Mina boring by giving her superpowers. Read the comics, if you haven't. The relevant story is collected in Volume 1. *Seriously* awesome.

Posted by: pokeyburro (pokeyburro)
Posted at: June 17th, 2008 04:58 pm (UTC)

The Fantastic Four could use a good re-thwacking. Yeah, I know it managed to justified its sequel, but I didn't bother to watch either, and I tend to be a comic book junkie.

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