Now that deficiency in my education has been corrected. Yay!
I must share. Here's a script draft, and a link to the torrent. And a fan site, too.
[TITLE SEQUENCE: LAYERED SOUND AND IMAGES] -- A mission control voice: “Three, two, one.” A ROCKET BLASTS OFF. Deep, pounding music. -- JACK AUSTIN is in a pilot’s seat, reacting to the G- force with a raise of his eyebrow. NARRATOR (V.O.) Jack Austin, American astronaut. -- A three-sectioned screen shows images of a rocket soaring through space, Jack’s face and the BLAZING SUN. NARRATOR (cont’d) (V.O.) Exposed to inappropriate levels of solar energy. -- Computer graphics: A human brain EXPANDS. -- [part of the super intelligence sequence:] Jack screams beneath hundreds of exploding lightbulbs. JACK (V.O.) I...KNOW...EVERYTHING!!!! -- Jack is standing over a chess board, moving the white pieces with his left hand, the black pieces with his right, hitting the clocks with blinding speed. He seems bewildered by his own ability. SCIENTIST (V.O.) Sunlight makes him the world’s most intelligent man! -- RON SILVER is on a car phone. A voice from the other end says, “I want that brain taken out.” -- In a white, hospital-like hallway, Jack sees Ron Silver coming at him and runs away. -- Outside NASA, Jack runs through a door, followed by Ron. Ron shoots an evil-looking ray gun. Jack ducks. -- A blonde man (we don’t see his face) and the orange motorcycle on which he’s seated are ENGULFED in a blinding FLASH. -- Computer graphics: a motorcycle ABSORBS a human body. NARRATOR (V.O.) Heat Vision, a motorcycle with the mind of Jack’s unemployed roommate. -- Heat Vision’s console. The dial turns to IGNITION. The RPMs soar. -- Heat Vision pops a wheely. -- Far shot of Heat Vision and Jack moving toward one another, their silhouettes meeting in the center, against a gigantic SUN. NARRATOR (cont’d) (V.O.) Together, they must run for their lives, blocked at every turn by adventure. TITLE: HEAT VISION AND JACK -- Jack punches a werewolf across the face -- Jack makes out with a beautiful woman. -- Jack types on a computer keyboard in a dark office. The screen says “ACCESSING MAINFRAME.” -- Jack sword-fights with the Devil. -- Jack, naked, next to a GIGANTIC PENCIL. Realizing he’s been shrunken down, he looks at the pencil and SCREAMS. -- Jack stands in blackness, looking at us, smiling. TITLE: JACK BLACK as JACK AUSTIN -- Close on a motorcycle tire peeling rubber. -- Heat Vision pops a wheely and hits a fat chef in the head with his front tire. -- Two women kiss Heat on the sides of his headlamp. -- Heat Vision is parked in blackness. TITLE: OWEN WILSON as the voice of HEAT VISION -- A metal NASA door SPLITS down the middle, revealing Ron Silver. He marches forward as if he’s going to kill us. TITLE: RON SILVER as HIMSELF [For a few brief notes, the music gets plinky and light hearted as:] -- Jack and Heat Vision argue over a batch of burnt cookies- Jack is wearing a lead apron with a radioactive symbol on it. [The music turns hard and studly again:] -- Heat Vision jumps over a car- by himself! -- An explosion. -- Jack leaps over a stack of cardboard boxes, tackling a hood. -- Jack soars through the air toward us on Heat Vision, backlit by the humongous sun. FADE IN: EXT. DESERT HIGHWAY - NIGHT JACK speeds down the dark, open road. He’s wearing a blue NASA jumpsuit and yellow navigator shades. JACK Let me know when your tires start wearing down, Heat Vision. Whenever HEAT VISION, the motorcycle, speaks, his headlight BLINKS. HEAT VISION (V.O.) My wheels’ll are fine, Jack, but I’m starving. Jack looks down to the FUEL GAUGE. It’s nearing E. HEAT VISION (cont’d) (V.O.) Hey, remember when I was human, and we ran out of gas in Tijuana and we drank that cheap tequila and you woke up with a 72 year old woman? Jack squints ahead, trying to see the road. It’s strobed, due to Heat Vision’s excited speech. HEAT VISION (cont’d) (V.O.) And she followed us to the border and the police wouldn’t let you back into America until you kissed her in front of everybody- JACK -Be quiet. I can’t see when you talk.