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David Hines [userpic]

APED: "it's totally just as good"

January 28th, 2009 (06:46 am)

(with profound apologies to Robert E. Howard)

I have not gone to haunted leas, or heard the silence fall
But I have borrowed mom's car keys, and driven to the mall.
I have not watched the dragons come, fire-eyed, across the world,
But I have drunk a lot of rum, and then I've really hurled.

I have not paced a silent hall where each step waked a ghost,
But with my minis, dice, and all, I've D&D'd the most.
I have not walked a city's street where no man else had trod,
But I have nagged guys to complete a really bitchin' mod.

I have not fled from crimson eyes and black unearthly wings,
But I have dreamed of women's thighs, and pinker, softer things.
I have not seen a ghostly shore that no man else has seen,
But the internet is rich in porn with barely legal teens.

I have not seen a woman leap from a dragon's crimson stall,
but I have snacked on yellow Peeps during study hall.
And I have watched on YouTube skaters' injuries galore,
And I have bought Darth Vader shirts from an online store.

And on E-Bay, when I can't wait, I click "Buy it Now."
And I've stayed up all night -- well, late -- killing boars on WoW.
I've joined a guild of raiders there so I can pwn some n00bz.
When girls bend over, I stare down their shirts to glimpse their boobs.

I have not trailed a dark-eyed Man across a windy waste.
But back in kindergarten, I would often eat the paste.
I have not reached a misty sky upon a granite wind.
But do you know that Onan guy? I'm all about his sin.

Comments

Posted by: freelancer_bob (freelancer_bob)
Posted at: January 28th, 2009 02:55 pm (UTC)

Uncanny. Reads like a poem of my life. Are you my evil twin? Because I already have a regular twin, and I don't think he'd be cool with becoming triplets.

Posted by: David Hines (hradzka)
Posted at: January 29th, 2009 12:42 am (UTC)

No, I'm your good twin. It's *impossible* to get any more evil!

Posted by: 3fgburner (3fgburner)
Posted at: January 28th, 2009 03:26 pm (UTC)
Musketeer

It's a REALLY good thing I wasn't slurping coffee, when I hit that last line.

Posted by: David Hines (hradzka)
Posted at: January 29th, 2009 12:44 am (UTC)
jim with pipe

I wondered if it might be a little obscure for the narrator, but I couldn't think of a line that was a) more likely to occur to the character and b) funnier.

Posted by: Petra (petronelle)
Posted at: January 28th, 2009 04:52 pm (UTC)

This made me beam, and I needed that.

Posted by: David Hines (hradzka)
Posted at: January 29th, 2009 01:03 am (UTC)

Glad to be of service!

Posted by: A large duck (burger_eater)
Posted at: January 28th, 2009 07:41 pm (UTC)

That's LOL-some.

Posted by: David Hines (hradzka)
Posted at: January 29th, 2009 01:05 am (UTC)

Huzzah!

Posted by: Caius (caiusmajor)
Posted at: January 28th, 2009 09:03 pm (UTC)
Babs has new toys

Okay, that's amazing. Even more amazing, when compared to the original. *giggles*

Posted by: David Hines (hradzka)
Posted at: January 29th, 2009 01:08 am (UTC)
cameron's head

Have you ever noticed that most people who fantasize about being a barbarian adventurer in a fantasy world are the sort of people who, if they actually lived in a fantasy world, would be the *least* likely to become a barbarian adventurer? The football jocks would be the ones strapping on sword and loincloth, while the guys like me would be busily maintaining our lore libraries. "Oh no, actually go out and -- ? That's dangerous, you know. And the dancing girls are at the tavern tonight..."

Posted by: Caius (caiusmajor)
Posted at: January 29th, 2009 01:25 am (UTC)
Nick is (about to be) well-fucked

Man, I want a lore library.

Of course, in fantasy worlds, those are quite often dangerous in their own right.

Posted by: Drooling Fan Girl (droolfangrrl)
Posted at: January 28th, 2009 11:43 pm (UTC)

Why apologize to him? Sounds like a modern age version of what R.E.H.'s life was probably like.

Posted by: David Hines (hradzka)
Posted at: January 29th, 2009 01:04 am (UTC)
unfair to batgirl

Oh, not at all. Howard worked in oil fields, boxed, did all manner of odd things. Whereas this guy -- not so much.

Posted by: Drooling Fan Girl (droolfangrrl)
Posted at: January 29th, 2009 01:09 am (UTC)

"Howard spent his late teens working a variety of hated odd jobs around Cross Plains: picking cotton, branding yearlings, hauling garbage, working in grocery stores, office work, serving at a soda counter, public stenography, packing rods for a surveyor, and writing oil-field news, all while taking courses at Howard Payne Academy in Brownwood (an adjunct of the college) and trying mightily to break into the pulp markets."

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Robert_E._Howard

Posted by: David Hines (hradzka)
Posted at: January 29th, 2009 01:32 am (UTC)

I misremembered the oil fields bit! He knew plenty of roughnecks, but wasn't one of them.

Howard was also a serious jock, though. He beefed up in earnest and fought boxing matches like crazy -- I think they had a set-up in the local icehouse -- which was firsthand experience he used in several of his stories. (I've always been fond of Sailor Steve Costigan, myself.) A serious dreamer who didn't fit easily into society -- but certainly not an inactive one.

Posted by: Drooling Fan Girl (droolfangrrl)
Posted at: January 29th, 2009 01:39 am (UTC)

Our times don't require or permit all that much activity. Or at least useful activity.

Posted by: stalkere (stalkere)
Posted at: February 8th, 2009 06:56 pm (UTC)
OMFG - ROTFLMAO - trying not to PMP!

Dave,
I read this one and it took me a good five minutes to stop laughing!

Yep, I know this guy - I know a lot of guys like him.

And, mind you, I can't say I don't resemble him a bit myself.
But, unlike him, I said to Hell with sitting around dreaming of stuff, and starting DOING stuff.

So, yeah, I've knapped flint arrowheads (not great, but serviceable enough to nail a rabbit) and I've assembled Nuclear Weapons (IAW AFTO 66-xxx)and a whole lot of stuff in between.
I've been down to crush depth on a nuclear submarine, and over 50,000 feet up in a jet, walked the Norwegian Mountains in winter, and the Australian Outback in their summer...and a whole lot of other things.
I've personally given military briefings to three presidents - GWHB, WJC and GWB - I'm sure they forgot what I said minutes after I said it, if they even bothered to listen at all - but, yeah, I did that.
I Have a letter from Al Gore, somewhere in this mass of junk, praising the Environmental Handbook that I wrote.

I look back on 50 plus years of living, and I think I have some stuff to be proud of....

I read Drooling Fan Girl's comment - living the life is still quite possible, but ya gotta get off your dead butt and LIVE...which, to my mind, is what Dave's trying to say.

But yeah, I know this guy...sometimes I glimpse him in the mirror.
Ed

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