I have not gone to haunted leas, or heard the silence fall
But I have borrowed mom's car keys, and driven to the mall.
I have not watched the dragons come, fire-eyed, across the world,
But I have drunk a lot of rum, and then I've really hurled.
I have not paced a silent hall where each step waked a ghost,
But with my minis, dice, and all, I've D&D'd the most.
I have not walked a city's street where no man else had trod,
But I have nagged guys to complete a really bitchin' mod.
I have not fled from crimson eyes and black unearthly wings,
But I have dreamed of women's thighs, and pinker, softer things.
I have not seen a ghostly shore that no man else has seen,
But the internet is rich in porn with barely legal teens.
I have not seen a woman leap from a dragon's crimson stall,
but I have snacked on yellow Peeps during study hall.
And I have watched on YouTube skaters' injuries galore,
And I have bought Darth Vader shirts from an online store.
And on E-Bay, when I can't wait, I click "Buy it Now."
And I've stayed up all night -- well, late -- killing boars on WoW.
I've joined a guild of raiders there so I can pwn some n00bz.
When girls bend over, I stare down their shirts to glimpse their boobs.
I have not trailed a dark-eyed Man across a windy waste.
But back in kindergarten, I would often eat the paste.
I have not reached a misty sky upon a granite wind.
But do you know that Onan guy? I'm all about his sin.