David Hines (hradzka) wrote,
David Hines


The new-to-me blog "Johnny LaRue's Crane Shot" occasionally reviews "men's adventure" novels, and while scanning the reviews there I was hipped to the TNT series by "Doug Masters". Which is INSANE. These books make Ringo's Paladin of Shadows series look tame, sweet and gentle. Even just reading the summaries, I kept dropping my jaw and stammering, "Wait, WHAT?!" at the end of every other line.

Here is the series premise:

TNT is Tony Nelson Twin (is Masters a Larry Hagman fan?), a journalist who is caught in a nuclear bomb blast and receives superpowers as a result (or is he a Stan Lee fan?). Despite incredible physical and psychological injuries that should have killed him, Twin recuperates with extremely heightened senses--he can see in the dark, for instance, and hear sounds from far away. He also is able to maintain an almost-permanent erection.

That last is a plot point. In the first book,

Twin's job is to infiltrate the underground hideout of a scientist named Michelangelo Piran who can create petroleum from water and kill him. Unfortunately, Piran is guarded by the world's most elaborate deathtrap--seven full stages far beyond anyone's most perverse nightmares. Not only is Twin forced to traverse--completely nude--across a scorpion pit, a greenhouse filled with poisonous plants, an acid bath, a red-hot burning tunnel, a ladder made of razor blades, a bath of warm rotting flesh, and a pitch-black room filled with ninjas (!), but he is ultimately forced into the most bizarre game of checkers ever created.

Six games on an giant board filled with colored lights. On the other side are forty nude women, all either violently psychotic or mentally retarded, each in a separate cage. Whenever Twin loses a game or is forced to crown Piran (who is playing electronically from a hidden location), one cage opens, and Twin has only a few minutes to bring her to orgasm or else he dies. Twin loses every game against the genius Piran, but since he manages to successfully screw all of the women into normalcy, he is allowed to live and face his opponent.

Yeah, I know, you just had to reboot your brain. They only get crazier. Here's just PART of the summary for TNT: KILLER ANGEL:

Tony Nicholas Twin is vacationing in Greece, where he receives a message that October, his retarded 16-year-old daughter, is ill at the Twins' Ireland home. His charter plane is diverted to Albania, where he is arrested for spying (it's a long story) and ends up a prisoner of Giallica Kadar, the young wife of the impotent president of Albania who entertains her husband by having sex with men who resemble Joseph Stalin while he watches from behind one-way glass. Giallica is organizing her insidious version of the Olympics, which she calls the Hercules Games. To train her athletes, she has enlisted Wolfgang Amadeus, a madman who floats above the ground on his metal legs which contain a radio, tape recorder and even a laser that fires from his left kneecap.

I just. That is DC Silver Age levels of WTF there. With porn.
Tags: books

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