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David Hines [userpic]

APED: "let's have an adventure"

March 1st, 2009 (07:42 pm)

Let's have an adventure. Let's head out right now.
I'll bring the quinine and guns.
Get some pith helmets. No, I don't know how.
I just know that's how this is done.
Pith helmets on heads. Khaki shorts, baring knees,
and jaunty explorers' batons,
some hammocks, so we can sleep high in the trees,
and whiskey, when we can't go on.
Discovering all that the law will allow.
Adventure and glory, what fun!
Let's have an adventure. Let's head out right now --
right after my TV show's done.


Posted by: Maire (mkcs)
Posted at: March 2nd, 2009 01:21 am (UTC)

*must* *get* *around* *to* *taking* *tiny* *daughter* *camping*

I am so very grateful to my parents for the amount of my childhood spent on a farm or in the bush. I really need to get my A into G on this one for my child. Good reminder. Thanks.

Posted by: Maire (mkcs)
Posted at: March 2nd, 2009 01:22 am (UTC)

1. Do you like feedback on scansion?

Posted by: David Hines (hradzka)
Posted at: March 2nd, 2009 01:34 am (UTC)

I am totally open to constructive criticism. If people tell me what doesn't work, I can figure out better what does.

Or, you know, decide my audience HAS NO IDEA OF THE DEPTH OF MY ARTISTRY, but hey. :)

Posted by: Maire (mkcs)
Posted at: March 2nd, 2009 02:05 am (UTC)

Cool. I like your poems a lot, so I don't want to post anything in the comments that might make you less likely to post them.

Possible things you could do to improve the scansion or grammar follow. All are unnecessary to make the poem enjoyable, and both scansion and grammar work reasonably anyway, but I thought you might like to see them so you'd see where I ran into hitches in the fluency of my reading.

Have you considered a 'the' in the second line before 'guns'? I had to read it twice to make the rhythm work. It does, but not with the stresses I first assumed.

Adding 'go' at the start of the next line might signal the change of verbal mood more clearly.

I think you should change the full stop after 'helmets on heads' to a comma. It's a list of four things, so I couldn't see why it stops in the middle.

You could go for something like 'bare white knees' instead of 'baring knees' to keep the list items in the same grammatical shapes as each other. That does make an assumption about the narrator, of course, but it seemed to me to go with the pith helmets. Sorry, if I'm wrong.

The whiskey line needs a 'for', but I can't find a place for it. Maybe something like 'and whiskey, for if we are cold', although that would naturally mean finding a rhyme for cold (bold?) instead of for batons.

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