David Hines (hradzka) wrote,
David Hines

Political fanfic

johnxjohn may be going strong, but John Kerry fanfic is now officially bipartisan. (For an explanation, see this Mark Steyn op-ed.)

Not being a slasher, my preferred satirefic is the ongoing "In My World" series by Frank J. Frank's a conservative, but in his stories President Bush is a cheerful moron, Condi Rice is a supervillain-in-waiting, Karl Rove manifests from the shadows ala Emperor Palpatine, and Donald Rumsfeld's press conferences are even more... well, Rumsfeldian:
Rumsfeld smashed the reporter's head into the podium. "That's your head being smashed against wood," he said. Rumsfeld then slammed the reporter’s head through a window, breaking the glass. "And that's your head hitting against glass. Do you feel the difference?"

"Yes," the reporter said weakly.

"Let's continue to drive this point home," Rumsfeld said. He smacked the reporter into the brick wall. "That's your head against brick." He grabbed another reporter and slammed both their heads together. "That's skull against skull. Feel the difference?"

"I don't feel much of anything anymore."

Rumsfeld dropped his victim. "Then I think I'm finished making my point. See, while all those things seemed similar in that your head was getting smashed against something, they were different too. In the same way, Iraq is different than Vietnam, but it was an interesting analogy you tried to make. Any other questions?"

In other installments of "In My World," President Bush re-fights the Vietnam War:
"It says here you're actually a couple points shy of fulfilling your obligation to the National Guard," Scott told Bush as he handed him a report.

"Oh no!" Bush yelled, "I need to get these points before anyone finds out! What can I do?"

Scott looked at another piece of paper. "It says here, to get those points, you could work one night in the kitchen..."

"Onions make me cry," Bush said.

"...or you could guard the Alabama National Guard base for three hours..."

"Guard duty is boring," Bush declared, "and, if I remember back in seventies, they wouldn't even let you bring a GameBoy."

"...or you could kill one Vietnamese soldier."

"To Vietnam!"

The Bush White House handles the crisis of the One Ring:
'While we're deciding whether to destroy it or not,' Condi said as she reached for the pedestal, 'Why don't I hold on to it.'

Bush slapped her hand again. 'Stop that.'

And we get a flashback to the Reagan era:
"That scary man - your Middle East Envoy - is here to see you," Bush answered.

Reagan sat back down at his desk. "I've been waiting for his report."

Donald Rumsfeld marched into the office and threw a folder down in front of Reagan. "Here are my conclusions on the Middle East."

Reagan opened the folder. "Well, just one page. Let's see what is says..." Reagan put on his reading glasses. "Kill them all." He looked to Rumsfeld and handed him the piece of paper. "Are you sure you don't want to add anything to this?"

Rumsfeld thought for a moment. He then pulled out a pen and wrote on the paper before handing it back.

Reagan looked it over. "Kill them all... now!" He turned back to Rumsfeld. "Thank you for your input, Mr. Rumsfeld."

My favorite character is a toss-up between Buck the Marine and Rumsfeld's pet Rottweiler, Chomps (the world's angriest dog). Both appear -- Chomps for the first time -- in the three-part "Black Project Insano."
Tags: fandom, politics, recs

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