During my lunch break in the bookstore, I discovered a new entry in the long-running "worst sex scene ever" sweepstakes. From the men's adventure novel DOOMSDAY WARRIOR #2: RED AMERICA, by Ryder Stacy. (There appeared to be at least twelve books in this series; it is set in a Future Occupied America of 2089.)
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Posted by: David Hines (
 hradzka) Posted at: August 17th, 2009 03:09 am (UTC)
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In the department of Entirely Too Much Information, I have now decided to name my schwanstuck "the nether universe pole."
(Can you imagine the author delivering pick-up lines? "Hey, baby! Wanna slide down my nether universe pole to the anti-matter center of my being?")
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Posted by: Karen (
odditycollector) Posted at: August 17th, 2009 03:28 am (UTC)
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I was going to leave a comment, like, is *that* what you call it, then.
And *apparently so*.
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Posted by: leftarrow (
leftarrow) Posted at: August 17th, 2009 04:12 am (UTC)
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Has the benefit of being significantly weirder than "the thousand-mile steel girder," at least ;)
And, hey, this is sort of like that Vulcan pick-up lines game. Except *insane.*
"Hey baby. You wanna tangle with my rolled-out miles of carpet-like wet tongue?"
("As long as you keep your capslock IN YOUR PANTS IN MY PANTS IN YOUR PANTS.")
. . . . *hides*
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Posted by: A large duck (
burger_eater) Posted at: August 17th, 2009 03:27 am (UTC)
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That Rock sure knows how to treat a woman.
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Posted by: not a real rasta anyway (
hapex_legomena) Posted at: August 17th, 2009 03:40 am (UTC)
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I'm sure you already know this, but you are a true connoisseur of the WTF.
Also? JFC, I didn't think it could get worse than your cut-tag and then it did. I needed my eyes.
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Posted by: Drooling Fan Girl (
droolfangrrl) Posted at: August 17th, 2009 03:41 am (UTC)
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WHY?????
Why did you post this? Do you really HATE ME THAT MUCH?
oh and there are 19 works in this series, plus there's another series done by the same person or persons called Mystic Rebel...
GREAT GOOGLY MOOGLY
http://www.fantasticfiction.co.uk/s/ryder-stacy/fortress-of-forbidden-destiny.htm
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Posted by: David Hines (
hradzka) Posted at: August 17th, 2009 02:36 pm (UTC)
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Thanks for the link! Also: under another name, the Body Smasher series! A pro wrestler with a chokehold on fanatical terrorists! Cover blurb by Captain Lou Albano!
There's even an audio dramatization.
The same folks who do that have done a bunch of DC Comics stuff, too. I didn't even *know* DC had audio dramatizations.
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Posted by: Drooling Fan Girl (
droolfangrrl) Posted at: August 17th, 2009 03:38 pm (UTC)
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Oh yeah, I saw the body smasher one, that made me honestly cackle.
But this one...
HAI THAR, I AR A BIG BOY, NO?
I AR NEKKID.
THIS IS MY SWORD.
THRUST. THUST.
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Posted by: Elspeth (
elspethdixon) Posted at: August 17th, 2009 03:44 am (UTC)
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I read this aloud to my roommate and she couldn't even tell what they were supposed to be doing.
And then I got to "HE WAS LOVE SHE WAS LOVE" etc. and couldn't keep a straight face or even breathe anymore, I was laughing to hard. It's like the sex scene version of that descriptive passage from Ron Miller's Silk and Steel (which featured gems of incomprehensible purple prose like, "Her tongue was a ferret, an anenome, a fox caught in the teeth of a tiger.... Her pubes was [sic] a field of wheat after the harvest, a field neatly furrowed; it was a nest, a pomegranite, an arrowhead, a rune," and so on for two entire pages).
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Posted by: Drooling Fan Girl (
droolfangrrl) Posted at: August 17th, 2009 03:52 pm (UTC)
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Posted by: Elspeth (
elspethdixon) Posted at: August 17th, 2009 04:06 pm (UTC)
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Personally, when I try to picture a tongue like an anemone, I imagine someone with dozens of cthulhu-like tentacles sprouting from their mouth.
I doubt that's what the author intended.
The description gets even better, though -- her feet are marmosets, and her toes are snails with shells made out of tears. Her ribs are a niche, an alcove, and apse, and her stomach is "an idol set in the niche, alcove, or apse."
If the writer of that novel ever got together with Mr. Nether Universe Pole and co-wrote something, I think the entire English language might collapse in on itself under the weight of the bad metaphors.
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Posted by: Grey Bard (
grey_bard) Posted at: August 17th, 2009 06:51 am (UTC)
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I. Just.
Wow, there should be an award for that much hilarious fail. I mean, it starts out bad, but by HE WAS LOVE SHE WAS LOVE it has descended to farcical levels of terrible.
Just think! Someone, somewhere was getting off to that, otherwise it would never have been published. That's what blows my mind the most.
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Posted by: Not your everyday Viking angel (
shadowvalkyrie) Posted at: August 17th, 2009 02:13 pm (UTC)
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Argh, NO! I don't even want to invoke John Ringo because he doesn't deserve this. I'm sure there are thirteen-year-olds on the internet who've written better porn than this. And to think anyone gets off on that... *cringes*
It's hilarious, though, so thank you for sharing the horror!
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It's a tribute to the utter hideous glory of that scene that I couldn't tell exactly what they were *doing* for a minute there.
Also? MY EYES.
AlsoAlso? I will never feel insecure about my lousy gratuitous smut again. Ever.
wow.