David Hines (hradzka) wrote,
David Hines

AVATAR: a memo (mild spoilers)


FROM: David Hines
TO: the interstellar corporation from AVATAR
RE: your stupidity

Hey, guys --

Lemme see if I've got this straight.

You're on Pandora to collect a mineral called unobtanium. There is a huge concentration of unobtanium underneath the nearby native village. You want the unobtanium, the natives don't want to move, and so you take direct action, which, as always and everywhere, means "killing people and taking their stuff." Am I right about this? OK, good.

The movie I saw about you doesn't actually tell us what unobtanium is good for, but it does show us a sample of unobtanium on a character's desk, and based on that scene I think I can make a pretty good guess. The unobtanium is levitating a few inches above some kind of self-contained powered base. When taken away from this base, it doesn't levitate on its own. Obvious inference: that device on the desk creates an electromagnetic field, and unobtanium is a room-temperature superconductor.

Here's the thing: unless you're more interested in being evil, rather than ruthless, you're not necessarily in the business of oppressing natives. You're in the business of getting unobtanium. Right?

Well, I am totally not a geologist or a physicist or anything like that, but we are told several times in the movie that there are strong fields of whooziwhatsis on Pandora that screw up your instrument readings and various aspects of your technology, and we see that these fields are strongest in the Hallelujah Mountains, which are great big levitating rocks.

...yes. That's right; you are on this planet to collect an extremely valuable element that levitates when exposed to a presumably magnetic field, and your planet has great big levitating rocks in an area characterized by strong presumably magnetic fields.

Might I suggest that if you're having so many problems with the natives, you might want to ignore their goddamn village and check out THE GIANT FUCKING FLOATING MOUNTAINS, because you can bet your ass they are chock full of unobtanium.

If you aren't mining the Hallelujah Mountains, you are stupid.

This is not your fault, I know. You have to be stupid. Because if you're not stupid, there's no way you're wasting time with the blue kittycat people when you could literally be plucking unobtanium from the sky. But you're in a lefty self-hate movie, so it's not enough for you to be ruthless and amoral; you have to be out and out evil, to the point of killing people when it makes no business sense to do so. I get that. I do. I'm sick of it, sure -- just once, man, I would love to see a movie where a guy embeds in another culture and, while he comes away respecting them, still feels more comfortable and happier in his own -- but hey, that's the genre.

If it's any consolation, you guys aren't alone. When the hero -- who's never seen or heard of the Hallelujah Mountains -- finally sees them, he doesn't do what any other human being would do and ask, "So, how come those fucking mountains are floating, then?"

Anyway, best of luck with your endeavors, but I'm telling you, forget the Smurfs. Check out the floating rocks. I don't know how you guys wound up being there however long and never thought about them.

I don't know how James Cameron had them on the screen for a good chunk of a three-hour movie and expected *me* not to think about them, either.


David Hines
Tags: movies
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