David Hines (hradzka) wrote,
David Hines


Last night I discovered that SPARTACUS: BLOOD & SAND was available via Netflix streaming, which is how I watch most of my entertainment these days. Maurissa Tancharoen has been plugging it to her Twitter followers because she and the hubby have made it their new gig. So I checked it out.

SPARTACUS: BLOOD & SAND is not only bad; it is gloriously, ridiculously, marvelously ludicrous, dumb as a box of rocks, ludicrously overstylized, and very much in the vein of GLADIATOR and 300 (mostly the latter with elements of the former). It's an oversized golden retriever pup of a show; not a brain in its head, but it's so desperate to please that you can't really stay mad at it.

In summary: my Tweets.

Watching SPARTACUS: BLOOD & SAND via Netflix streaming.

This show needs a motto!

"We run on treadmills while special effects happen around us!" #spartacusneedsamotto

"We yell 'hold the line!' when there is no fucking semblance of a line whatsoever!" #spartacusneedsamotto

"More spurting blood shots than a Hammer movie!" #spartacusneedsamotto

"Zack Snyder was having a yard sale and we bought his leftover slo-mo!" #spartacusneedsamotto

"You know what makes a scene look cool? BLUE TINTING." #spartacusneedsamotto


"Titties! People will watch to see titties! ...what do you mean, they have internet porn now?" #spartacusneedsamotto

"Outdoor night scenes are just like outdoor day scenes. Only with more blue!" #spartacusneedsamotto

"More blue than naughty AVATAR doushinji!" #spartacusneedsamotto

"Running short on story! Better pad it with grime-encrusted people fucking." #spartacusneedsamotto

Actual SPARTACUS: BLOOD AND SAND dialogue: "That man has fingers in all the proper assholes. He wiggles them and everyone shits gold."

Woo-hoo! Lucy Lawless! -- okay, now she's gone, back to the orgy scene. Because that's what this show needs. More titties.

...seriously, folks, if there is a nationwide shortage of bare breasts, it's because SPARTACUS: BLOOD & SAND has them all.

Publicity promises that Lawless's own bare breasts will be prominently featured in an upcoming episode or six. If the SPARTACUS writers are clever, they will have Renee O'Connor guest star and feature her and Lawless in a long, hot, drawn-out, kinky sex scene, which will if nothing else make the show extremely popular among XENA vidders and every XENA fan who spent years screaming "MAKE OUT ALREADY" at the screen.

It's clear that SPARTACUS:B&S (...make your own jokes about those initials) expects the titties to get people watching. Which makes me wonder: do people really find titties that much of a draw these days? For television, I mean.

Take me. If you've ever dated me, you know that I love breasts, and love looking at them. But I don't watch TV so I can see a wide variety of attractive boobs. That's what this newfangled internet is for! I mean, yeah, when I was a *kid* we couldn't see boobs any time we wanted; when you were too chicken to buy issues of PLAYBOY (and by "buy" I mean "swipe them from the convenience store and trade them with your friends") you had to stay up all night watching HBO and hoping like hell that the "Brief Nudity" warning for this R-rated movie meant a cute girl's boobs and not some dude's hairy ass. There was no Mr. Skin (though by the mid-nineties there was a thick-ass paperback book equivalent), and no IMDB, and no Google, and no Netflix reviews. You hoped for boobs, and sometimes you got to watch Kathy Shower getting naked and oiled up in THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF TENNESSEE BUCK, and sometimes you were up until 3 AM watching really dumb cop movies. But now? Now we're awash in boobs and butts and hoo-hahs, to the point that we've got slang classifying nipple type and labia size, and I honestly wonder if the tendency of people to watch TV for the sex scenes has diminished. Because really, if you want porn, you can go watch porn! It's easy! There's a lot of it!

For Lucy Lawless's boobs, of course, you need to watch SPARTACUS: BLOOD & SAND.
Tags: spartacus, tv

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