SPARTACUS: episodes 2 and 3

If you don't follow me on Twitter (I'm hradzka there, natch), you may not have noticed that I have an occasional vice.

Namely, I watch SPARTACUS: BLOOD & SAND.

It's a gloriously terrible show, and when I'm feeling low, I like to watch it via streaming Netflix and make fun of it on Twitter. Because, really, it's only worth 140 characters at a time. So, for those who don't Tweet, here are my Twitter reviews of episodes 2 and 3 of SPARTACUS: BLOOD AND SAND.

GF is out at a potluck dinner. Me: at home, roasting cauliflower with olive oil, mustard, and bacon. (Recipe from http://bit.ly/cKmygM ) 7:37 PM Jan 29th from web

I belatedly notice that the recipe says "the tiniest bit of bacon." Oh dear. .....I may have used too much bacon. 7:38 PM Jan 29th from web

...to distract myself from bacon fears, I'm going to watch episode 2 of SPARTACUS: BLOOD & SAND. 7:40 PM Jan 29th from web

Wow, title screen by LeRoy Neiman. 7:41 PM Jan 29th from web

Man, Spartacus's wet dreams have weird money shots. 7:42 PM Jan 29th from web

And we have Lucy Lawless's boobs. I think that may be what the series is chiefly remembered for. 7:46 PM Jan 29th from web

A roomful of naked, oiled musclemen. It's like we've walked into the storage closet at Liberace's house. 7:47 PM Jan 29th from web

*was* there even a closet at Liberace's house? HERE ALL WEEK TRY THE VEAL. 7:49 PM Jan 29th from web

I will say this for the casting director: I've gone, "Hey, it's that guy!" about six times. 7:51 PM Jan 29th from web

oh, come on: it's the first [post-pilot] episode and we're already having flashbacks?! 7:53 PM Jan 29th from web

Taking break to work on dinner. roasting not very successful; bacon needs stovetop attention. Alas! 8:09 PM Jan 29th from Tweetie

Upside of too much bacon: BACON FOR DINNER. 8:13 PM Jan 29th from Tweetie

hmm. to pause on SPARTACUS and watch some DOLLHOUSE? Pro: SPARTACUS is crud. Con: DOLLHOUSE is worse crud. But it's the finale. 8:20 PM Jan 29th from web

DOLLHOUSE over; back to SPARTACUS. I do like the fact that the gladiator owner worries about money. 9:06 PM Jan 29th from web

Oh, look, it's gladiator Hell Week. 9:19 PM Jan 29th from web

"I beg you: do not fuck me." (It's a prayer.) #actualspartacusdialogue 9:20 PM Jan 29th from web [It's metaphorical; he's speaking to the gods, asking them to refrain.]

Crazy, gladiator-mad wife of the bad guy is my favorite character so far, probably because she's the only character who's any fun. 9:30 PM Jan 29th from web

A few glimmers when it's not busy trying to be 300-lite. That isn't often. 9:38 PM Jan 29th from web

Dear God, they yelled "FINISH HIM." Why are they not making series promos to the "Mortal Kombat" techno remix? 9:43 PM Jan 29th from web

Feelin' low tonight. I think the appropriate cure is to watch SPARTACUS on Netflix streaming and provide you guys with a running commentary. 9:44 PM Feb 8th from web

Episode three: "Legends." I think the title is a little ambitious for the show, based on what I've seen so far. #Spartacus 9:47 PM Feb 8th from web

OMG a disclaimer! "SPARTACUS is a historical depiction of ancient Rome's society and culture. The intensity of the sensuality, brutality... 9:49 PM Feb 8th from web

...and language is to suggest an authentic representation of that period." 9:49 PM Feb 8th from web
  
cut to guys getting limbs hacked off. Authentic representation: guy gets punched, head splurts blood like it's a popped water balloon. 9:51 PM Feb 8th from web

HEY YOU KNOW WHAT WE HAVEN'T HAD YET THIS EPISODE A MONTAGE LET'S HAVE ONE GUYS 9:54 PM Feb 8th from web
  
I'm kidding; it's a minute [or five] in and we've had two montages. 9:55 PM Feb 8th from web

I *knew* the gladiators' trainer looked familiar. Peter Mensah's previous genre entry saw him getting kicked into a pit by Gerard Butler. 9:57 PM Feb 8th from web

Much slower episode than previous ones. Feels like the first bottle show. 9:59 PM Feb 8th from web  

Lucy Lawless's maidservant has serious screen presence. Way more than the role demands. 10:02 PM Feb 8th from web

oh, yay, watersports. 10:03 PM Feb 8th from web

The watersports, I think, would be the reason for the disclaimer. "It's not our fault, guys! It's ancient Rome! Blame them!" 10:04 PM Feb 8th from web

Oh, dear. Gladiator chatting up the maidservant by discussing head-severing. 10:06 PM Feb 8th from web

The biggest problem with this show: the cycle of character scene, gladiator training action, Spartacus mouths off, gets yelled at. 10:10 PM Feb 8th from web

Wow, they're doing "he must fight his friend!" much earlier than I'd thought. 10:13 PM Feb 8th from web

Spartacus drinking game: take a drink every time somebody yells incoherently. It will kill you. 10:15 PM Feb 8th from web

HEY GLADIATOR TRAINING AGAIN 10:15 PM Feb 8th from web
  
SPARTACUS'S BUDDY. "That look gives me worry." SPARTACUS. "Words I've often heard from my wife." ME. "..." 10:18 PM Feb 8th from web
  
Lucy Lawless's hair changes color every scene she's in. 10:20 PM Feb 8th from web
  
"I've never seen a gladiator fuck before -- but the way he rams her! Like an enraged bull!" #actualspartacusdialogue 10:25 PM Feb 8th from web
  
oh, okay, Lawless has wigs. 10:28 PM Feb 8th from web
  
Interesting: the 300 references are all over the place, but I *really* didn't expect to see them (smartly) swipe a page from IRON MAN. 10:38 PM Feb 8th from web
  
(In the big fight, they go inside the helmets and show the gladiators reacting therein, as IRON MAN showed RDJ's in-costume Tony Stark.) 10:41 PM Feb 8th from web
  
man, it sucks to be the guy who owns Spartacus. 10:44 PM Feb 8th from web

It's over. Biggest problem with the show: I don't give a crap about the main character. Everybody else's problems are far more interesting. 10:50 PM Feb 8th from web