David Hines (hradzka) wrote,
David Hines

SPARTACUS: episode 4

I think I may have to write a series primer on SPARTACUS: BLOOD & SAND. Yes, it's a gloriously stupid show, but I don't think I've ever seen a series that throws so much bizarre stuff into the mix. Seriously, this show is now at the point where Lucy Lawless could enter a scene on a chariot drawn by naked ponyboys with bioluminescent penises and I'd go, "Yeah, okay, I am not surprised by this."

It is, in short, exactly the kind of terrible show that I think fandom would love, because it contains pretty much everything fandom adores, no matter how stupid it is.

My Twitter review of episode 4:


disclaimer again! c'mon, like people *aren't* watching for gore and titties. 11:11 PM Feb 13th from web

Episode title: "The Thing in the Pit." By guest writer HP Lovecraft? 'cause THAT WOULD BE AWESOME. 11:12 PM Feb 13th from web

(In part because it would mean that Lovecraft would have been resurrected or scooped up by a time machine.) 11:13 PM Feb 13th from web

the gladiator owner is now recapping the entire series so far, even though we had flashbacks before the episode started. 11:14 PM Feb 13th from web

biggest problem: the hero is not allowed to be funny, just a stoic twit. 11:16 PM Feb 13th from web


ahahahah nice moment: gladiator being sent to the pitfighting yells defiantly, "I'll fuck them ALLLLLLLLL!!!!" 11:20 PM Feb 13th from web

Cut to him getting a warhammer upside the head. 11:20 PM Feb 13th from web

(Spoiler: he did not, in fact, fuck them all.) 11:20 PM Feb 13th from web

and now he got his *freaking face graphically cut off.* So another gladiator can wear it as a mask. Good God, show. 11:22 PM Feb 13th from web

One of the gladiators is secretly shtupping Lucy Lawless and wishes to be shtupping her maid. Her maid is hot, but dude, *priorities.* 11:25 PM Feb 13th from web

Spartacus has been sent to The Pits. Which is, basically, Thunderdome. 11:25 PM Feb 13th from web

I just saw a barely-clad ring girl with great breasts and a swinging penis. Seriously. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IS GOING ON IN THIS SHOW PEOPLE 11:27 PM Feb 13th from web

I'm not sure if that was supposed to be a prosthetic, or what. But man, this show is like gumbo. They are throwing *everything* in. 11:28 PM Feb 13th from web

(Also, Spartacus just beat a guy by killing him with a meathook after doing the "stop hitting yourself" thing.) 11:29 PM Feb 13th from web

...wow, seriously, *everybody* in this show is more interesting and more likeable than the main character. What the hell. 11:34 PM Feb 13th from web

Peter Mensah is giving a stern monologue again. Man, what an unforgiving job. 11:38 PM Feb 13th from web

In the last five minutes this show has given us an explicit male-male sex scene and pitfighting that results in a Gallagher-style headburst. 11:41 PM Feb 13th from web

Seriously, there is *nothing* they are not throwing into this thing. Including the guy-kisses-woman-arguing-with-him shtick. 11:43 PM Feb 13th from web

Now Spartacus is going apeshit. This actually makes him more interesting than the stoic hero thing. 11:45 PM Feb 13th from web

Spartacus has offered to take a fatal dive to ensure his enslaved wife's freedom. Be interesting to see how they'll get him out of this. 11:52 PM Feb 13th from web

(If he wins, his owner gets wiped out by the debts. And Spartacus is hated more. Hmm.) 11:53 PM Feb 13th from web

He lost in the last episode, but in the arena, where he could surrender. Not against face-cutting boy. 11:53 PM Feb 13th from web

Oh, nice! Guys use the fight as cover to try to kill the owner, Spartacus intervenes. A mystery: why? (Obvious: the debtors.) 11:57 PM Feb 13th from web

Nice outcome: Lucy Lawless believes Spartacus a curse on household, but owner owes him his life. 11:59 PM Feb 13th from web

The real problem: Spartacus's owner has tough choices, decisions to make. Spartacus, being owned, doesn't really make any. 12:00 AM Feb 14th from web

This is exactly the same problem that DOLLHOUSE had. The wrong person is the main character. 12:01 AM Feb 14th from web

Short comment on that last tweet: characters are interesting because of the decisions they make. Naturally, the more interesting the decisions a character has to make, the more interesting that character generally becomes. So the thing you don't want to do is make a show about somebody who doesn't really get to make decisions, because everybody in the show who *does* get to make decisions is going to automatically be more interesting than your main character, which is one of the big problems facing SPARTACUS. (It was also true in DOLLHOUSE. Adelle should have been the main character of that show, not Echo. Why? *Because Adelle was the one who made decisions.* Echo, when functioning properly, was not supposed to do that at all.)

Spartacus isn't making decisions, so the show is using Spartacus pretty much just for his name value, as advertising. You know. Like his owner is. I don't think it's an irony the show is aware of, but it's interesting nonetheless.
Tags: spartacus, tv

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