SPARTACUS: episode 5

In the event anybody cares, my Twitter review of SPARTACUS: BLOOD AND SAND's fifth episode, "Shadow Games." In this one, every single other character is *yet again* more interesting than Spartacus, Manu Bennett whips his cock out more often than not, and at least half the scenes are populated entirely by nearly naked musclemen who have been thoughtfully slathered with baby oil. Also, Spartacus and Crixus (that's Bennett) fight a guy who got lost on his way to an Evil Dead movie, and Lucy Lawless and Viva Bianca go cheerfully along their way to steal the entire series, which continues to be both ridiculously entertaining and *absolutely no good.*

Seriously, why there is no fandom for this drek, I have no idea.

Hey, Roku, what time is it? #Spartacus time! 10:01 PM Feb 19th from web

Slightly revised disclaimer now noting #Spartacus has "content some viewers may find objectionable." First clue: Ep3's watersports. 10:03 PM Feb 19th from web

OH LOOK IT'S OPENING WITH ANOTHER GLADIATOR TRAINING SEQUENCE #Spartacus 10:04 PM Feb 19th from web

"Our fortunes rise like your cock!" "[something I missed] will make it rain presently." #actualspartacusdialogue 10:06 PM Feb 19th from web

How long has it been since our last gladiator training sequence? Never mind; we've got another. #spartacus 10:08 PM Feb 19th from web

I do like how Batiatus has to grapple constantly with his debts. Makes him, like everyone else in show, more interesting than #Spartacus 10:09 PM Feb 19th from web

Set-up: #Spartacus and Crixus have to fight Theocles, undefeated bad-ass whose only survivor is Peter Mensah's Doctore. 10:13 PM Feb 19th from web

HE MUST FIGHT AT HIS ENEMY'S SIDE, must #Spartacus. This is show's toughest challenge: making unending stream of fighters interesting. 10:15 PM Feb 19th from web

OH YAY ILYTHIA. The batshit crazy, gladiator-lusting wife of hero's nemesis. Man, is Viva Bianca the best thing about #Spartacus or what? 10:17 PM Feb 19th from web

Crixus and #Spartacus once again doing the "we must work together! we cannot!" dance. Yawn. 10:20 PM Feb 19th from web

I mean, Londo and G'kar *defined* that scene. You can't do it any more, really. Though B5 didn't have 'em wrestle naked. 10:21 PM Feb 19th from web

Hey, is Crixus going naked again? Why, yes he is! Manu Bennett's cock gets more screen time than some of the *actors.* 10:23 PM Feb 19th from web

Nice dynamic as Ilythia gropes Crixus in front of Lawless's Lucretia and Brandt's Naevia, who care for him - almost inverse Bechdel dynamic. 10:25 PM Feb 19th from web

Or -- no, dunno what to call it. Female using male as tool/object to mess with other women. With him as object. 10:27 PM Feb 19th from web

Hey, I think I've seen this scene with Doctore, #Spartacus, and Crixus before -- OH RIGHT I HAVE. 10:28 PM Feb 19th from web

The big problem: other characters' scenes accomplish things, change the dynamic. #Spartacus gets the same scene 5 or 6 times in a row. 10:30 PM Feb 19th from web

OK, this philosophical scene between #Spartacus and Crixus is actually not bad, given that they're naked and covered in oil. 10:39 PM Feb 19th from web

Awwww. The best scenes with Lawless's Lucretia have her making a decision (as #Spartacus doesn't) whose importance only she knows. 10:41 PM Feb 19th from web

Nice make-up on the main bad guy. Seriously, for #Spartacus to keep the baddies interesting is challenge worthy of REH's Costigan stories. 10:49 PM Feb 19th from web

#Spartacus drinking game: drink every time somebody yells incoherently. 10:52 PM Feb 19th from web

#Spartacus MONEY SHOT 10:54 PM Feb 19th from web

#Spartacus is the only show on TV that will give you a gory hacking-up and a wet-toga contest, one after the other. 10:56 PM Feb 19th from web

And #Spartacus is over! Nice direction on this one from Michael Hurst (no surprise for those who remember his eps on Herc/Xena). 10:57 PM Feb 19th from web

Things we have learned from today's episode: 1) There are actors on #Spartacus who get less screen time than Manu Bennett's cock. 11:15 PM Feb 19th from web

2) Viewers are worried if Crixus is okay. If #Spartacus had gotten his ass kicked in episode, no one would give a shit; he's uninteresting. 11:19 PM Feb 19th from web

3) Characters' relationships with other characters make them interesting. #Spartacus needs to be talking to more and different people. 11:21 PM Feb 19th from web

4) Holy cow, more Viva Bianca. She's like a mad scientist's amalgamation of Alexandra Tydings and Hudson Leick. #Spartacus 11:24 PM Feb 19th from web