David Hines (hradzka) wrote,
David Hines
hradzka

worst. nipple erection. ever.

This is the most amazingly horrifying thing I have seen in a month: "The Animated Nipple Erection Compendium."

Whut.

It is *exactly* what it sounds like: one man's brave attempt to document, categorize, and rate nipple erections in Japanese animation. You would think that this is an oddly specific fetish, and you'd be right, but it gets even more detailed. Each shot is summarized in several fields: Character, Title, Release Date, Erection Type (Clothed, Nude, Crossfade, and/or Pulsating -- yes, Pulsating), Erection Time (in both seconds *and frames*), Caused By (ie, what made the nipple become erect? "erotic mental stimulation," or "nonconsensual nipple caress" [o.O -- DH] or…), and My Rating, wherein the author rates the shot(s) in Visual and Thematic terms, from 1 to 4 out of 4.

Ladies and gentlebeings -- no, I got nothin'. Maybe it's a condition; maybe he's just a fella who loves titties.

Regardless, I haven't mentioned the best thing about the page yet: it is written *exactly* in the voice of THE SIMPSONS's Comic Book Guy. From the introduction:

In most cases, drawing censorship does not bother me. Whereas the use of mosaics, black boxes, or Godiva hair does obscure body parts that some might find offensive, these techniques still acknowledge their presence, letting a less prudish viewer's imagination fill in the blanks. However, the one censorship technique that truly upsets me is when the sexual anatomy is completely omitted.


You can't not hear it, can you? It gets even more disturbing when he's talking about the actual, er, nipple erections:

During what one could consider a rather symbolic nipple erection, Chiffon finally comes to terms with her dark past and breaks free of her emotionless shackles. After Cain suckles on Chiffon's flaccid and heavily wrinkled nipple, the camera zooms in close as it suddenly springs to life. Each wrinkle slowly straightens out as the nipple rises amidst a crescendoing musical score that peaks as the nipple reaches its fully erect state. This absolutely enchanting sequence concludes with Chiffon uttering her first pleasurable moan in what is most likely years. Cain's suckling symbolizes his prior heartfelt apology to Chiffon, whereas Chiffon's nipple symbolizes her demeanor, which transitions from cold and emotionless (withered nipple) to warm and sexually-receptive (healthy, erect nipple). The consensual theme and alluring character design help to make this pronounced and significant nipple transformation my overall favorite depiction yet.


The shot discussed above is eleven frames long and lasts 1.7 seconds. It is lengthy as the shots discussed go. Most of them are less than a second long.

The author also has an essay called, "In Support of Bouncing Breasts: The Evolution in Mainstream Video Gaming:"

Due to the rhythmical thrusting nature of intercourse combined with the female's lack of breast support from removed attire, one would be hard-pressed to witness a sexual encounter that does not feature an accompanying display of attention-drawing bouncing breasts. As a result of this mental association, breast bouncing in more innocent non-sexual contexts still conjures up strong mental images of the sexual act itself. Driven by the oh-so-true adage "sex sells," creators of mainstream video games use this association to their advantage so as to imbue their titles with a unique titillating factor while remaining within the confines of relative social acceptability. Breast bouncing has proven to be an amazingly lucrative and low-risk aspect of many game developers' business models since it can be portrayed without yielding to the somewhat demographic-restricting "mature" rating from the ESRB. Side note: Speaking of the ESRB, they seriously need to consider updating their list of content descriptors to include "Breast Bouncing" as it is LONG overdue... It would help to inform gamers who appreciate such displays while simultaneously helping to prevent offending those individuals who have strong opposing feelings.


…I have the sinking feeling that he is serious.

Possibly because this is the kind of guy who, presuming his readers want to see exactly what he's talking about in his painstaking descriptions of animated nipple erections, *has thoughtfully prepared a shitload of animated .gifs.*

This is another one of the brain-jarring things you come across trawling the net, folks. And I had to share it with you, because I haven't inflicted Grade-A WTF on you guys for a while and I still haven't finished my review of that men's adventure novel I've had backburnered. It's horrifying and weirdly amazing at the same time.

If you find anything even more disturbing on the site in question, please don't tell me.

Originally posted on my DW. | comment count unavailable people have commented there. | Do so yourself, if you like.
Tags: wtf
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