Dear Sarah "Fan Girl" Williams,
We regret to inform you that you have not been selected as a member of this year's class. Being able to recite, verbatim, the lines from every Orlando Bloom movie, while impressive, is not technically a superpower. Also, the fact that you are prohibited by law from coming within 10 miles of Orlando Bloom might limit our team's scope of service. Thank you for your interest in Xavier's School of Exceptional Youth.
(My favorite McSweeney's remains their unused Howard Zinn/Noam Chomsky audio commentary for THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING platinum series extended edition DVD: CHOMSKY. "The film opens with Galadriel speaking. 'The world has changed,' she tells us, 'I can feel it in the water.' She's actually stealing a line from the non-human Treebeard. He says this to Merry and Pippin in The Two Towers, the novel. Already we can see who is going to be privileged by this narrative and who is not.")